You always said I lived in a fairy tale world. that's because you treated me like a Queen

You taught me how to be nice and look for the good in people.
You showed me that not all people are mean.
You told me that you would always protect me and make me feel wanted.

You and I were together for 12 years.  


It's a boy

Bryant and his girlfriend had a baby doctor appointment the other day.  They found out that the minion she is carrying is a boy. Bryant is so happy, it looks like he is about to cry when he starts talking about it. I am excited for him.  Still alittle apprehensive over the entire thing.  Boy Minion is at his fathers house and I really miss him.  He has this incredible smile, it tugs at my heart. Girl Minion is just as firey as ever.  I am pretty sure that she is going to give both Bryant and T gray hairs.


InfoPath 2010 and SharePoint 2013

​InfoPath does not recognize Cross Site Look Up columns in SharePoint. You can create a Date Connection to pull in the column into the InfoPath Form.
Open the Infopath Form and create a field, use Locations for example. Create a field, name it locations, give it a text box field. Click on the Manage data Connections link on the bottom of the "Fields" tool box.
  1. Click Add
  2. Create a New Connection, Receive Data
  3. Click Next, the choose SharePoint library or list
  4. Enter in the URL, click next
  5. Choose field you want the data connection to pull
  6. Choose the sorting option if more than one field is choosen, then asending/desending - click next.
  7. Click Finish
  8. Highlight the Location Field, right click, change control to drop down.
  9. Highlight Location Field, right click, choose drop down list box properties
  10. Under List box choices click on the drop down for Data Source and choose the data source that you just created.
  11. Click apply, then okay.
  12. Publish
The link provided shows the instructions for SP 2010.


Work in progress - I will add to it.

A letter to my son, who is going to be a father.

Energy wasted is a waste

So basically I didn't sleep all night.  When someone is ignored it can hurt just as much as throwing hurtful words at them. 

Took a break from facebook for awhile. People can be hateful, mean without meaning to be mean.  I started feeling like whenever I opened the application I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole.

I've done it before, fell into the rabbit hole and it was not a pretty sight.  Took a long time to recover and my head was all fuzzy for awhile.  I figure close down the pipeline, no fuzzies. 

I have a feeling that I am ready to erupt anyways, with the way that things are going. 

Work has been crazy, and I am thinking that I should have taken off the week.  I am up to my eyeballs in projects and they just keep piling on and I can't start any of them until they are assigned to me.  Of course they are all going to be assigned to me, but I found a few things that can be done without SharePoint and use a application that they are already using and able to keep everything in one place. 

Monday Gripes

Griping for a Monday
Today really hasn’t been that bad. People driving is always an issue so I just incorporate it into my “everyone but be is insane” category.

I can’t find my computer glasses. I got to work, put my stuff away and sat down ready for some computer porn at work… . I have no idea where I left them. I can barely see the screen with my regular glasses, yes I am getting old. I have been looking everywhere to no avail. So I am increasing the fonts on my screen for today so I do not wind up fired or with a blinding headache.

But when I went to go get my bagel with bacon, extra bacon, I went down the stairs like I always do. I was thinking of walking back up them when I went back to my office but as I was thinking there seemed to be more stairs than there were last week. Each time I thought of walking back up the stairs, another flights of stairs was added to the jaunt. I smartly, I thought, decided to take the stairs back to my office.

I got my sammich and returned to the office building. I held the elevator for a slightly larger woman and thought I was doing a good deed and would be rewarded in some way. When she got into the elevator I asked her what floor. She said, “two”. I am shit my pants. You are only going to the 2nd floor and you can’t carry yourself up the stairs??? I hate stopping when inside an elevator. If I was going to the second floor I would have taken the stairs. WTF???? So I finally get to my floor and I thought to myself that I should have taken the stairs. I was being punished for something today. Can’t find my glasses, the stairs, the chick in the elevator.

Drove to Wegman’s for lunch. I had no idea where it was at, but was asked to drive so I did.

It’s really quiet in the office and I don’t know why? I am here aren’t I?? haha.


I saw it with my own eyes

I watched the words as I typed away today.  I will dissect each word looking for something to turn me off.  I succeeded without him even knowing.  There is no reason for me to get close and open myself up to him.  After today I wont even be able to change my own mind.  Stubborn as hell, I know but I finally acknowledged it to myself. 
I'm not ready to express feelings to someone because in the end they will leave.  I will be hurt and the one picking up the pieces.   I can't or rather won't allow myself to feel that way again.  I'm not going to waste time on it. 
Now, on to the next project.   No need to waste anymore time.


Darkness wins

Sometimes I lay in bed and think of all of the "what if's"

It's a dangerous game, I know.

It makes me sad yet I keep on doing it. 
I want to be happy so much.
People do not realize how hard it is to be happy.
Yeah you can make yourself me happy and you are your own destiny and you are in charge of making yourself happy.
Some would say that I am dwelling and I need to get over it.
But people who know me know this is not the case.
When I am around other people I am happy, smiling and play well with others.

It's when I go home.
I lay down
The walls shrink and close it
I feel the darkness impede on me like a drug washing over me and taking control
I can't close the door fast enough for the darkness not to enter
I feel it and become emmersed in the bath
There is no running away
No jumping in my car and taking off
No calling someone to get out of the hole

It just takes over and I allow it
Sometimes I welcome it

Then 4 hours have gone by and I don't know where I went

I allow it to control me


Run On Sentences

Being an adult is so complicated.  Each day something new is coming and the decisions to be made that have an effect on the entire household is daunting. 

Making all of these decisions is tiresome.  Yesterday and today I went on Craigslist and just picked a state and city to see what was there.  Kind of like throwing a dart at a map of the United States and moving there.  I just want to make a new life.  I should feel grateful for all that I have.

So why do I want to run away from it all?

I miss sharing my life with someone.  I miss having someone to come home to and to talk to.  I miss spending time with someone I care about and just lay with them.  Granted I miss the sex too, I would be lying if I said I didn't, but I miss knowing I always have someone on my side no matter how bad I screw up.

So then I get this idea in my head, "If I move somewhere else, where no one knows me, I can reinvent myself and find the perfect match to my 1 sock"

Problem is, I already had my perfect match.  No matter how much we fought and whatever we went through I know that he loved me more than anything in the world.  I was spoiled by him and had everything I wanted within reason.  He was my reasoning.  With him I didn't need someone to send me an allowance each month to pay my bills.  I had him watching over me, protecting me and pushing me to always be better and want more with my life.

I feel that if I move the decisions that I make will decrease, be smaller and be much more fun.  I know that isn't the case, but whenever times get tough I run.  I doubt I will ever change, it is my fighting tool.  So many times I have wanted to just leave.  Move to a state that I have never lived in and just relax, breathe and meet people.

It's not working out so well.  Instead of getting easier it is getting harder.  I don't know if it is my fault but I just can't get out of this rut I am in.  I don't know how to get out of it.  I have tried everything.  I even accept defeat and let the sadness take over and become depressed for days and weeks.  I'm not wanting a pity party, it's just that I have no idea anymore.

I tried drinking all of the time, that was okay as long as I was drunk.. but the trying to get home, and the bar tab really told me not to drink as much haha. 

I drove to California, that was perfect, I was able to think, see the world and stumble on places that Brian and I stopped at on our way to VA from CA.  but if you remember, I had to drive back to VA ASAP because of a family emergency.  With Driving home so fast and under stress, I forgot all of the memories I remembered driving out there, and the peace and calmness I felt.  While driving through Colorado I felt perfect, like I was just drifting around and was complacent.  I want to feel like that again.  Very few things have giving me that emotion. 

I dated. That was a good thing, but I think it was the wrong time.  That's okay though, it worked at the time and made me happy for a year.  Hopefully the friendship that came out of that will last a lifetime. 

After each word I type I think of packing a box, moving, it's eating me alive.  I wonder at times if I am just daring my self to see if I still have the courage to just leave.  If it wasn't for my friend I would have moved 6 months ago.  He has kept me planted, keeping me here when I just want to blow off the world and run away and I think at times I resent him for that.  This makes me yell at him and treat him like shit.  Yet, when he is not in my life I feel even worse, like a part of me died.  I turned over a new leaf though and vowed to myself that I am never going to travel down that road again.  This last time really scared me.  I thought for sure he was never going to talk to me again.  I was an emotional wreck, but it was my own fault.  I am thinking that this moving thing I am putting in my head is the same thing and if I do move, I am going to get to my destination and realize how much I really screwed things up.

I have talked to doctors, tried a lot of medications that I do not think helped at all.  I am manic bipolar and not on meds right now and that scares me as well.  I feel that I am going to go home and spend every single dollar in my bank account or go to the store and buy 10 different boxes of cereal.  I have to get back on a med that actually work and doesn't make me gain weight.  I want to feel normal and I also wonder if the no meds thing is the real reason why I feel so numb.

Its almost been three years since Brian died.  I think of him and miss him every single day.  Once I start thinking of him I start crying.  When I am alone I cannot think of him and not cry.  It's been three years and it feels like it was yesterday sometimes.  I don't know when it starts to feel better or when I will start sleeping without the TV on. 

I can't sit in one spot for too long, I can't sit and concentrate on 1 thing.  I can't read a book anymore, or if I do I have three books that I have started. 
I can't concentrate even on a recipe so I can bake. 
I don't like being alone, yet I can't get my ass out of the house.
I do the bare minimum that I have to.  I do not go out of my way for anyone or anything right now. 
Every day when I wake up and realize that I feel the same way as I did the day before, I just want to roll over, go back to sleep and hope when I wake up I will feel better. 
I go through periods that I over indulge or do a million things that I have wanted to do.  I will spend way too much money or too much time at the gym. 
This is the first time in a long time that I actually concentrated on a long letter and typed it. 
I bought a dog thinking that she would get me out of the house and explore and meet new people.
We go to doggie park when the weather is nice, then home and watch tv for the rest of the day.

When I watch tv I have realized that I have to watch the same episode a few times before I can saw I have watched the entire thing.  I will be watching what is a repeat, and remember the beginning, yet do not remember anything else that happened in the episode.  It's like I zone out for 26 minutes and only really see 4 minutes of a 30 minute program. 

I think I am going to see someone next week to talk to and get on some medication.  I need to stop wasting my life away and concentrate on getting better.

And so I write.


Why is life so difficult?
I spent last night just laying in bed, unable to sleep, while a million things were going on in my head. 

Life was so much easier when I was married, when I had someone to take care of me and make sure I stayed on the straight and narrow.  Now that he is gone, getting out of bed is hard to do.

Relationships are wickedly hard to maintain.
I cry all of the time.
I can't stop.

I can't even write anymore.  I used to be able to write long stories and posts.  Now, I just write to see letters fall on the screen.

I can't really read books any more. It is too hard to sit and focus on one thing.  I have no idea what is wrong with me.


Love & Hate Relationships

This post is for my cat, Calvin, as well as for my dog, Delilah.  Each of them have their issues, most of which they let me know about at 2 am.  Perfect timing for me to rub the cats belly or to itch a scratch on the dog.  Last night I was scratching the dogs head and I noticed some bumps.  Calvin must have really let her have it in the past few days.  That dog could take out Calvin in one bite, but she just wants to love on Calvin, chew him up and floss her teeth with cat tail.


So I have accepted a Challenge

The Challenge starts on the 18th of this month.  Is a sort of Ultra competitor thing for work.  I joined the walking challenge.  I need something to get me back in the gym.

Then I think, "oh this new disease is floating around.  I should just stay home and stay away from people so I don't get sick and die"

That's when my dog throws my running shoes in my face. 
Even she knows that I need to get off my ass. 

Still waiting for the daughter to send the batbaby signal.  I am hoping it is soon, for her sake as well.  The days have been getting hotter and I do not know how she is doing it.  Power to her. 

Work is well, work.  I feel funny there, since, "The Incident".  I know only a few people know and though those people have supported me, I can sense some tension with one individual.  I could really care less.  If there was not other writeups and issues in regards to my complaint he would still be there.  Today we had a company meeting and running into his wife was not the highlight of my day. 

I finally have a closet.  With no skeletons.  Now that is a first.  Actually a friend of the family has come over and built me a closet in the laundry room for me to house all of my stuff, plus he put a shelf on the top for boxes and purses, bads and more purses.

I'm trying to keep busy.  Every single time I sit down and think, I start bawling.  And not in a cute way.  I am trying to hold it all together.  By writing that has been helping but, I haven't been able to focus on one thing.  Even my pencils, pens and keyboard have ADD. 

I sent a sample (2 chapters) of something that I have been working on to a very small publishing company and I have had one call back - questions regarding, "So, where do you see the plot/character/3rdperson going???? I'm still looking for the answers. 

I told the gals at work I was going to make my dip tomorrow.  I am looking forward to actually cooking. I haven't baked in a while either.  I owe a friend some cookies so I need to make those and get them in the mail.  It is the least that I can do for everything they have done. 



A side of bacon

I was told today that I was missed.  Someone missed my writing.  It’s nice to hear once in a while.  I am sure that they are just sitting at their computer screen, nearing the end of the internet and remembered that chick Jessica who had some funny things to say as well as run on sentences. 

I miss writing.

I miss cooking.

I have missed so much and I am still waiting for the day where I wake up and everything is right in the world.  Well, mainly my world.  I know life is what you make of it and I haven’t been doing a good job at all.  Things and friends have fallen to the curb.  It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I had cared too much and I don’t want to get hurt anymore when people leave or die.  Childish thinking I know, but it is mine right now.   Everything is passing me by right now.  I’m ok with it.  Baby steps.

Some days I want to move far away where no one knows me.  I have done that in the past, and everyone wound up knowing me. 
I tell myself that I am done with this pity party, but I can’t seem to get past the final chapter.  I wish that there was a rule book, not that I would follow it either.  I have tried a few books, a few groups and a doctor.  Nothing really worked.  I switched doctors and now that all the chemo is out of my system with the exception of one BC drug that I will take forever, it is time to get my meds under control before I start shopping online again.  It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t really felt spiffy enough to jump up and down and streak around my neighborhood naked.  Honestly I think I would do it if I felt like it, just to feel alive.


Okay so enough with the pity party crap.  My Step Daughter is about to burst with my first grandchild.  Any day now.  I keep a bag packed and the cars gas tank is on full.  I am ready and waiting for the phone call.  To hold a baby in my arms and just have some unconditional love is the best medicine out there.


My son is expecting his first child with his girlfriend in November.  How exciting it is for me.  I have all of these exciting and memorable things happening all around me and I feel like I am moving like a snail, in a fog, with a mask on and no bacon.  His girlfriend and her two kids moved into my house.  I enjoy having the noises around.  It has been interesting and I am sure poor Tabs has been trying to define all of my moods since she got there.  Good luck with that, I am still discovering a few under the couch cushions.  I have moved most of my stuff to the basement and a friend has built me a closet.  Its huge J.  I think it is the biggest closet that I have ever owned.  I can house a million skeletons in this one.  The kids call me Ms Jessica or MiMi.  I don’t care what they call me as long as they know that I love them and I want them to hang around at the house.  The house is not big enough for all of us, plus a dog and a cat.  It should be interesting when the baby comes and starts crawling around all over the place.  I will want to move out by then.   OMG


I have this friend.  This friend has stuck by me through everything that has been going on.  Supported me through doctors’ appointments and chemo and surgery.  That friend has been a part of my life for a long time and I do not go a day without talking.  Well every so often like every 3 weeks I turn into this major asshole and I am mean.  I can admit it, while all of you internet peeps are perfect wives and friends to each other, I am a horrible friend.  I admit for the past two years I have been evil and every which way.  I don’t know what to do.  Everytime I see one of my friends I think of Brian.  It’s hard.  I can’t deal with it. It’s so hard. I try, not hard enough I admit.  I have no idea what to do.  I am seriously thinking of moving away so I can get away from Brian’s life.  I can’t find my own life and it is exhausting.