12/30/2015

A Path Few Take

I saw someone today that I knew. We had met a few times, in passing and he was not someone I would choose to hang-out with, and he knew this. He used drugs, I didn't trust him, and he just had an air about him. I was in the CVS parking lot downtown and he walked pasted my car and we both looked at each other, and he smiled so I nodded and smiled back..


Bring on 2016

2016 is going to be the year. We all say and write this, with half hearted attempts of, "if we believe it or write it enough it will come true". So let's all just placate one another and assume we never say this same thing, at the beginning of each year, and then within 2 weeks, it all goes to hell.

12/23/2015

Sugar Plum Filled Memories of Christmas's past?

I think not.

There were no sugar filled plum memories in my childhood of Christmas.
Most memories are flashes for me, nothing long lasting or a memorable family tradition. Some years other priorities took precedence such as eating for the entire month, clothes or my mothers booze and cigarettes. I am pretty sure a few Christmas's were tucked neatly away in the, "Let's pretend this is another ordinary day in the household" drawer. 
I remember when we were a family of me getting a record player.  It was striped red and yellow for the top of the cover.  A Baby Alive doll as well, that ate food and pooped.  I look back now and wonder what is so memorable about wiping a butt that isn't mine?

10/27/2015

A nudge here or there...

Since becoming sober and clean, a lot of memories are charging at me, questioning my reasoning and leaving my sobriety in balance.  I try not to dwell on these thoughts, I stay busy, I exercise, I go to meetings and I stay away from the toxicity that got me where I was.
One thought keeps I guess you can say, “attacking” me.  Each time I am still, even if it is just for a few seconds, this thought will come rushing at me like a quarterback being charged by the opposing line.  The thought is simple, finish my book.  I do not know why this one thought stays with me, or why it continues to poke at me constantly.  I often forget about it the moment I realize what is happening and I will busy myself with something more productive and something that I have a finished goal for.  Right now I do not need something that I cannot even fathom finishing or providing an active outline for.  It would take me years to complete and even though I have scraps of paper of things that I want to write about or how I want the chapters to flow, I can’t seem to sit still long enough to be able to write a small chapter without my nerves going into overdrive, I can’t imagine a book. 

10/21/2015

A Birthday Without A Mother

Holidays have a different meaning after a loved one dies.  Each holiday has special past memories and it is quiet hard to make new ones.

This is the first Birthday without my mother nor my mother in law. They each died within a month of each other.  I was driving home from Buffalo when I got the first of many calls telling me my mothers health was declining.  I didn't want to hear it and just brush them off at the beginning.  Then the calls got more frequent and I had to answer them.