Armed with Cheesecake and Vodka, World Watch Out, I'm Back!

I think of writing often, but then I forget the premise, the reason and the passion that I once had to write daily. Today I noticed the mistakes I have started to make in grammar and in spelling. I NEED to continue to write. I find myself spending more time and effort on the task at hand, rather than throwing the halfway done task out the window. The money spent to fix what I have started is enough to help diminish the feeling of "let's paint the entire house two colors" manicsode. That is what I call them now, manicsodes. I feel that this is a good thing, yet there are still times that I will just break down and zone out. This does not last as long and I am glad. Someone told me recently make sure to take time for me, and do what I want to do. I do miss writing, I miss continuing an education and I miss the moments that come naturally to me. Yes, I do still brush my teeth, thank you very much. This week is filled with holiday smells and people running th...

They say that it is good to write. It is good to write your feelings especially if one cannot express feelings to another. It helps to open the soul, help to heal, remember the good times, and reflect on the bad. I try to write every day, but most days I delete the things that I write, since I know other’s will read and feel the sadness in my heart. The sadness is one of the only things I have and at times I do not want to share the sadness, I want to keep it inside and countdown until I can go home, lay in bed and let out the sadness so no one can hear. I feel that I must stay strong for the people around me. I want others to see my as strong, that I can take care of myself and that I will survive. They do not need to know the truth of what really is going on in my heart and soul. Sometimes it seems like a battle. Not necessarily of good and evil but of love and guilt. I lay awake at night thinking of everything we had planned to do, how we were going to live and the memories...

I started by telling everyone I was going to get a tattoo for my fortieth birthday. Deep down I wanted one but the idea of someone sticking needles in my skin over and over scared the living crap out of me. I had seen many nice designs and wanted something that represented my son and my husband. I finally decided with friends help that it was going to be a bee, like the honey nut cheerios bee. The B would represent the initial of their first name. I remember when my husband and I were dating we finally made the huge step of moving in together, the similarity of their names would confuse us all. After weeks of chaos and the men ignoring me when I would call them, we finally decided to call my son Little B and my husband Big B. When I was mad and ready to yell out my son's name, I would always blurt out the name of my husband, which would make them both wonder who I was really calling and usually upsetting my son, with him saying that I do not remember his name, and my husba...

When I first met you, I noticed your eyes. They were blue and intense. When I first talked to you, I noticed your smile. your smile was natural and you had dimples. When I first was kissed by you, I noticed myself melting. When you first held me close, I noticed time standing still. When we married, I knew I wanted you for the rest of my life. When I said I wanted to die a day before you, so I did not have to live without you in my life, I meant it. You kissed me and proceeded to discuss our son or daughters latest antics. Throughout the years I felt very special and we were always close. Yes, we had our times but I would be more worried if we did not argue and yell. Each of us, being hard headed would not let the other person win, regardless of who was right or wrong. I loved the passion that I felt with you. Passion with work, home, family, love, and me, you always had so much to give. I loved the new experiences I had with you. Las Vegas, camping, flying to Buffalo, mov...

Brian usually took care of the outside of the house. One of his many nicknames was "Harry Homeowner". Now that I have to do everything, I decided to get some fresh air (anyone feel the humidity lately?) and weedwack the front yard. The last time I was outside walking Daisy, I looked at all of the other yards and they were all in a state of perfection. I looked at my yard, and saw how my entire life felt in a small parcel of grass. It looked devilish and unkempt and in need of a trim. I grabbed the rake and the weedwacker from the shed, once I checked for wasps, bees, and anything else moving faster than I do. I took everything out front, getting a little giddy on the inside since I was going to be playing with a type of power tool. I first had to rake, about 30 minutes I had a large bag of leaves collected and my back already hurt and I was tired. I looked at the weed whacker and wasn't so giddy inside, maybe a little sick to my stomach. I took a break and hydr...

I think I have cooked twice in 3 weeks. I went to the grocery store today. I think I finished cleaning an entire room, the small entry bathroom, without having to stop and move on to something else. I actually bought food at the grocery. I do plan on cooking something. It's 3 in the morning and I am still awake. Baby steps.

I am out of town right now, staying in Bedford, hanging out with the work team and having a great time. I have been doing a lot at night, while in my jammies in the hotel. I planned on catching up on my reading, which I am... three books down! I also took my scrapbooking with me and have also been getting my cuts and cards done. I love the hotel I am staying at. Always clean, lots of coffee and hot water. And There is a lot of Peanut Butter I love peanut butter They have huge containers of it. They are individual containers that have enough peanut butter for dipping. Dipping apples and celery and crackers. YUM I am so glad I am not allergic to peanut butter.