12/30/2015

A path few take

I saw someone today that I knew. We had met a few times, in passing and he was not someone I would choose to hang-out with, and he knew this. He used drugs, I didn't trust him, and he just had an air about him. I was in the CVS parking lot downtown and he walked pasted my car and we both looked at each other, and he smiled so I nodded and smiled back.. He took this as an invitation to come over to the car and chat for a few minutes. He looked a bit defeated and tired, I figured he was going to ask for a ride home, and since it was on my way, I wasn't going to say no. Turns out there was more to his story than just the simple, "Hello". He just got out of Detox a few hours ago. He admitted himself on Saturday which was 4 days ago. He had gone through the physical withdrawals from Heroin and he said the process was ok. They gave him drugs to settle his nerves and calm the bowels. He didn't sleep much while there, but when you are coming off of a drug, sleep is something that doesn't come easily. He went himself, after Christmas. He was sitting there Christmas morning and it hit him, what he was and how messed up he was and he wanted to get help, to get clean. To become his old self once more. He told me of the noises that he heard, while laying in his bed at night. People getting sick in their bed, in the bathroom. You could hear everything. The Detox place was free and he admitted it was the best thing that he could have done. I sat there while he talked and smoked one cigarette after another. This is where his story became sad. His mother came to visit him, during visitation. He was very happy to just see someone familiar and who loved him. He smiled when she came in and they both sat down. She told him that she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't sit there and support him while in detox, nor support him when he got out. She laid down the law basically and then she stood up and left him. He sat there after she left, dumbfounded. He started crying, knowing his own mother, who already lost one son, just said goodbye to another son. He was done then. He packed up his clothing into his backpack and walked out of detox. As soon as he got his phone back, he called Bubba and arranged a meet up so he could get a bag and get high. That's all he wanted at that moment was to get high. After being clean for 4 days and the drugs almost out of his system, he used. He was so close. One person, his mother, killed any chance of him being sober for the new year. He kept talking to me, kept smoking and kept crying. He talked about his options and I really do hope that he gets to where he has a friend, out of state, and gets the heck out of this town. Most addicts detox many times, so it is not surprising for an addict to get high again, most do. It is worst than quitting smoking for some people, and just being free, or having a phone will give you that itch to use. He did not look good, he looked tired and defeated. He made it 4 days clean and gave it all up within a matter of minutes. A mothers goodbye words, was all it took for him to give up completely. Its hard to build yourself up to beat an addiction when no one is rooting for you. He had no where to go, and had a few plans. Well shall see what happens to him. I hope and pray that he makes it. I do not know if I could do the same thing to my son. He is all I have, but up to what point do you say, enough is enough? How many times must a child steal from you and take, take, take until there is nothing left, before you say goodbye? Family is supposed to be the one thing that stays strong and helps you through the hard times. Tough love maybe? I am not sure. This was a sad meeting between two people. I did not like him, nor do I think I ever will, but after today, I feel for him. I hope he does get away and makes it. The look in his eyes, that look you see when you look into their soul... that look, wasn't good. It looked like a time clock, almost ready to expire. After his mother left him, he lost all will. I don't know what else to say...

Bring on 2016

2016 is going to be the year. We all say and write this, with half hearted attempts of, "if we believe it or write it enough it will come true". So let's all just placate one another and assume we never say this same thing, at the beginning of each year, and then within 2 weeks, it all goes to hell.

12/23/2015

Sugar Plum Filled Memories of Christmas's past?

I think not.

There were no sugar filled plum memories in my childhood of Christmas.
Most memories are flashes for me, nothing long lasting or a memorable family tradition. Some years other priorities took precedence such as eating for the entire month, clothes or my mothers booze and cigarettes. I am pretty sure a few Christmas's were tucked neatly away in the, "Let's pretend this is another ordinary day in the household" drawer. 
I remember when we were a family of me getting a record player.  It was striped red and yellow for the top of the cover.  A Baby Alive doll as well, that ate food and pooped.  I look back now and wonder what is so memorable about wiping a butt that isn't mine?

10/27/2015

A nudge here or there...

Since becoming sober and clean, a lot of memories are charging at me, questioning my reasoning and leaving my sobriety in balance.  I try not to dwell on these thoughts, I stay busy, I exercise, I go to meetings and I stay away from the toxicity that got me where I was.
One thought keeps I guess you can say, “attacking” me.  Each time I am still, even if it is just for a few seconds, this thought will come rushing at me like a quarterback being charged by the opposing line.  The thought is simple, finish my book.  I do not know why this one thought stays with me, or why it continues to poke at me constantly.  I often forget about it the moment I realize what is happening and I will busy myself with something more productive and something that I have a finished goal for.  Right now I do not need something that I cannot even fathom finishing or providing an active outline for.  It would take me years to complete and even though I have scraps of paper of things that I want to write about or how I want the chapters to flow, I can’t seem to sit still long enough to be able to write a small chapter without my nerves going into overdrive, I can’t imagine a book. 

10/21/2015

A Birthday Without A Mother

Holidays have a different meaning after a loved one dies.  Each holiday has special past memories and it is quiet hard to make new ones.

This is the first Birthday without my mother nor my mother in law. They each died within a month of each other.  I was driving home from Buffalo when I got the first of many calls telling me my mothers health was declining.  I didn't want to hear it and just brush them off at the beginning.  Then the calls got more frequent and I had to answer them. 

7/21/2014

You always said I lived in a fairy tale world. that's because you treated me like a Queen

You taught me how to be nice and look for the good in people.
You showed me that not all people are mean.
You told me that you would always protect me and make me feel wanted.

You and I were together for 12 years.  

7/10/2014

It's a boy

Bryant and his girlfriend had a baby doctor appointment the other day.  They found out that the minion she is carrying is a boy. Bryant is so happy, it looks like he is about to cry when he starts talking about it. I am excited for him.  Still alittle apprehensive over the entire thing.  Boy Minion is at his fathers house and I really miss him.  He has this incredible smile, it tugs at my heart. Girl Minion is just as firey as ever.  I am pretty sure that she is going to give both Bryant and T gray hairs.