Tuesday, October 27, 2015

A nudge here or there...

Since becoming sober and clean, a lot of memories are charging at me, questioning my reasoning and leaving my sobriety in balance.  I try not to dwell on these thoughts, I stay busy, I exercise, I go to meetings and I stay away from the toxicity that got me where I was.

One thought keeps I guess you can say, “attacking” me.  Each time I am still, even if it is just for a few seconds, this thought will come rushing at me like a quarterback being charged by the opposing line.  The thought is simple, finish my book.  I do not know why this one thought stays with me, or why it continues to poke at me constantly.  I often forget about it the moment I realize what is happening and I will busy myself with something more productive and something that I have a finished goal for.  Right now I do not need something that I cannot even fathom finishing or providing an active outline for.  It would take me years to complete and even though I have scraps of paper of things that I want to write about or how I want the chapters to flow, I can’t seem to sit still long enough to be able to write a small chapter without my nerves going into overdrive, I can’t imagine a book. 

My mother always knew I wanted to write a book.  As a young teen I had tried many times writing a story and developing it into something more.  In middle school I was on the school paper, always looking for an outlet to write. I also had a diary, but my mother would read it, so I could not put anything tangible in it to save.  She would read, and then attack me for what my words said. For what they portrayed and for what I was feeling in my mind.  If she didn't take the entries so personally, she should have gotten me help and my teenage life and other periods in my life, would not have been so hard on me. So my diary, was filled with lies and pretend school friends and I filled the pages with such truthful lies, my mother thought every thing was fine.  In high school, my poems and short stories were published in the school remembrance book, or whatever they called it.  I was proud of those tiny words that no matter how much I was picked on, or how bad I was in school, they were published. It was like I was a different person, and for a few days, people would look at me differently and I would have teachers stop to talk to me about my writing.  In college, I was too busy trying to grow up and find out what I wanted to be when I grew up, that I didn't put forth the energy needed to write.  I would write a lot to friends who were out to sea and some weekends they would get reams of words, stories, thoughts and dreams. How I wish I had those pages now.
Well come to find out she saved one manuscript of mine that I threw in the trash, because it was turning into a Judy Blume work of fiction, instead of the Stephen King road I wanted it to go down.  I just wasn’t educated enough in the world and how evil and villainous life could be to one person.  If I knew more of the enchanted world of going crazy, I am sure I would have been able to write more. 

That short story that I wrote, came back to haunt me  it was in the briefcase that was delivered to my home after she passed away.  I read it and noted silly mistakes and thought of how I would have worded the beginning differently or which path to take to make it more sinister.  I threw it away, I didn’t want anyone else to read it.
Point is, she saved it.  My words hurt her so many times, why would she want me to continue with something if it would only make her sad?  I guess this is something I need to find out on my own.  I am sure the answers are hiding, or right there in front of me. I am sure it is some sort of inner remorse I am feeling, and by writing this book, it will provide an outlet for me to accept that it is all okay.  Sounds smart anyways.

Since then, after course it has almost been a year, I succumb to addiction and after a few months I cleaned myself up and here I am.  Thinking of that story I wrote.  I am not sorry I threw it in the garbage, nor am I not sorry I started writing then, god only know what would have come out of my mouth while high. 

I told my mother, when I was in my 20’s what the title of my first book will be.  I have kept my word to that effect, and when this book is finished I will title it the names I thought of decades ago.  I think she is trying to get me to write the book. There I said it.  A ghost is nudging me to get my ass into gear and start this book.  I know it will be a good read, I already have an outline for it.  I hate writing in the present tense though, and wish I could write it as a third person looking in.  I am sure if I keep thinking about it, something will come to me.  I just can’t get over the fact that I said, my mother is nudging me.  I know it’s her.  She loved my blog and would always try to find it and I wouldn’t give her the url, 1. Because she didn’t know what a url was and 2. I am brutally honest in some posts and I do not want her to know I have feelings.  That would be odd.  I never allowed her in, in my life.  Lots of hurt there and things happened and I built the wall and only a few people have been able to get in.  I know she is doing this, I know she wants me to conquer this fear I have and get the writing done and start living in the present.  I’m scared.  This is the one thing that I have allowed to be on the back burner for so many years, and now it is time to light the fire, go forward or give up on this dream for the rest of my life. 


I think I am in the process of reinventing myself.  If that is possible. 


Stay tuned

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

A Birthday Without A Mother

Holidays have a different meaning after a loved one dies.  Each holiday has special past memories and it is quiet hard to make new ones.

This is the first Birthday without my mother nor my mother in law. They each died within a month of each other.  I was driving home from Buffalo when I got the first of many calls telling me my mothers health was declining.  I didn't want to hear it and just brush them off at the beginning.  Then the calls got more frequent and I had to answer them. 

Once I got the phone call, with the details of how my mother had been living and how sick she was, I should have called back and spoke directly with my mother, I should have gotten on the next plane and flew out there to comfort her and to tell her I was there and that I loved her.  I couldn't do it.  Throughout the next week I received several phone calls, from neighbors, doctors and nurses about her condition, the surgeries and her convelescence.  I could still not get the courage to go out there.  I was scared. I had never seen her in a weak state nor in pain.  I did not want to see my mother in pain, or dying.  I figured that I wanted to keep her strong and wise in my mind at all times.  She was so alone and she had no one.Honestly, I did not want to see her die.  I was scared and I did not want to lose my mother.

I already had spent a few days with my momma as she laid dying in Buffalo, I told her goodbye, and cried in front of her.  She never saw me cry when Brian died, I couldn't let her see me in pain or hurting, it was nothing compared to what she was feeling after losing her son. I figured I had no right.  I was there for her. I was not there for my mother.  I held my momma and told her I loved her very much and that we were going to be okay.  I did not hold my mother, to tell her I loved her, or to tell her I would be ok.  Honestly, I would not be ok.  No matter what i did when I was a child or a teenager, my mother was always there to take me back into the house, or to forgive my past mistakes. She was always there, when I asked for help.  I was not there for her.  I will never forgive myself for this, and I punish myself everyday and hope that she forgave me and knows why I couldn't be there, to watch her die.  One night, I did start the drive out to California to see her.  I made it about 200 miles.  I turned around.  I couldn't do it. 

A few days later i started getting phone calls from the hospital that I didn't answer.  I didn't want to know that she was dying, I didn't want to know that she was going to leave me.  Finally, one evening I knew it was time.  It was time to confront my fears and own up to them.  I knew why they were calling me,  I knew the decision that awaited me when I spoke with the nurses and then a doctor.  I knew what they were telling me and I knew what they were getting ready to ask me.  I didn't want to make that decision, I didn't want to be the grown up.  I was strong and did not cry on the phone.  I was professional and told the doctor to make her comfortable, and not to provide any extraordinary measures to save her.  They said it would be quick.  that was at 9pm.  At 6 am the next day I had a few missed calls on my phone.  When I looked at the number, I knew who was calling me and why.  I knew she was gone.  Why couldn't she come to me in a dream and say goodbye?  Something.  I called the hospital, they told me of her passing.  I hung up the phone, passed the news to Bryant and then went to work.  I couldn't show emotion, I figured I was already out a few days for momma, and having another family member pass away was just coincidental. 

After my mother died, I was an emotional wreck, to not have 2 women whom I cared for and loved deeply was devastating.  I didn't have a mom.  My mother and I had huge ups and downs throughout her life and even though I wanted nothing to do with her at times, or I was upset and angry with her, she still loved me with every part of her heart and soul.  She thought we had this wonderful relationship that had been through so much. Instead of breaking that dream she had, or rather vision of us together, I kept the hurt and anger inside of me and never uttered a word.  Somethings you learn to keep within yourself so not to hurt others with words and actions that could never be taken back

I still did not accept that she was gone. I called the few people I knew of that I had their contact information and passed on the news. 
I waited and waited to call the hospital to have her remains taken care of.  I think it was at least a month before I called to have her cremated and the remains flown out here to me.  I still do not think I have accepted her being gone.  I wish I had one last phone call with her, one last conversation, no matter how mad it made me.  If I did have that one last chance, I doubt I would have taken it.  I doubt that I would have used it the right way.  This will forever haunt me.  She knows that I love her very much and that I miss her.

Last year on my birthday, when she was alive but very sick, she called and left a message on my phone, singing me and wishing me a happy birthday. 

My mind id wild right now, as it has been for the past year.  I don't know what to do or how to feel.  I just don't know.  I am glad that I have the last memory of her as a strong, healthy woman who made me laugh with all of her quirks and hoarding issues she had going on.  Of course will I was there the last time I saw her, I took out the trash, did the dishes and paid her for her garage sale items and proceeded to throw them in a trash can away from her house.  That was my agenda whenever I went out to visit.  She would go and get the items out of the trash in the early years, so I learned to take them to a different garbage can far away from her house.  I am glad that I was able to give her a television to watch all of her shows and movies on.  She loved her television, and we would always talk about the new shows and which ones we liked and which was were awful.  We both loved Big Bang Theory and she didn't like two and A Half Men once Charlie Sheen left the show.  We both though Rose was a hit when she was on the show. 

There are a few memories that I have of her growing up.  Times were tough and her addictions were tough on the both of us.  But there are some good times that I do remember, and I try to cherish those and focus on those when I start having flashbacks of the bad times. 

That's all you can do, for now.

Monday, July 21, 2014

You always said I lived in a fairy tale world. that's because you treated me like a Queen

You taught me how to be nice and look for the good in people.
You showed me that not all people are mean.
You told me that you would always protect me and make me feel wanted.

You and I were together for 12 years.  In that time we fought, oh we fought bad.  Not knock down, drag out fights, but our words would sting and one of us was going to be sleeping on the couch, while the other one, usually you, would continue to come down the stairs to try to get the argument going again.  To throw another twig in the fire.  I was always the one to cry all night and stay in the basement and just want it all to be over.  we would usually be fine by the next day and all was good in the world again and you would show me love that I never thought could be found and I would make sure that you were taken care of.

I remember the first time I cooked for you.  Chicken and broccoli fettuccine.  Some thing with cauliflower, and maybe a dessert.  Every time I went to your house you had top ramen, my favorite green apples and buttery microwave popcorn.  See you had yourself on this budget and you were trying to get all of your bills paid off.  We ate a lot of Top Ramen.  I didn't mind because the company was the best.

You and I would test each other to no end and I know that no matter what you love me.  No matter what you did, you loved me.  A lot.  I loved you too.  You always saved me.  A lot of times, you saved me from myself.  I don't care what anyone knows or what anyone says.  You cared about me more than any one else ever will.

It's been hard.   The first two years you were gone I was either drugged up or drunk.  This year I will be sober.  Not sure how that is going to make me feel.  I figure once I get through this, everything else will be fine.  I have been through a lot.  But I am going through so much more trying to find myself in all of this mess.  I am a different person now.  I can do whatever I want and I have all of this freedom, but all I want is to have that safe feeling that I had when you were alive.  I question things all of the time.  I know that I am not the same, nor will ever be that person who was married to you.

It sucks.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

It's a boy

Bryant and his girlfriend had a baby doctor appointment the other day.  They found out that the minion she is carrying is a boy. Bryant is so happy, it looks like he is about to cry when he starts talking about it. I am excited for him.  Still alittle apprehensive over the entire thing.  Boy Minion is at his fathers house and I really miss him.  He has this incredible smile, it tugs at my heart. Girl Minion is just as firey as ever.  I am pretty sure that she is going to give both Bryant and T gray hairs.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

InfoPath 2010 and SharePoint 2013

​InfoPath does not recognize Cross Site Look Up columns in SharePoint. You can create a Date Connection to pull in the column into the InfoPath Form.
Open the Infopath Form and create a field, use Locations for example. Create a field, name it locations, give it a text box field. Click on the Manage data Connections link on the bottom of the "Fields" tool box.
  1. Click Add
  2. Create a New Connection, Receive Data
  3. Click Next, the choose SharePoint library or list
  4. Enter in the URL, click next
  5. Choose field you want the data connection to pull
  6. Choose the sorting option if more than one field is choosen, then asending/desending - click next.
  7. Click Finish
  8. Highlight the Location Field, right click, change control to drop down.
  9. Highlight Location Field, right click, choose drop down list box properties
  10. Under List box choices click on the drop down for Data Source and choose the data source that you just created.
  11. Click apply, then okay.
  12. Publish
The link provided shows the instructions for SP 2010.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Work in progress - I will add to it.

A letter to my son, who is going to be a father.


You may not know it, but you are already a father.  The way you teach bug and boo, you are a father figure.  You show them right from wrong, make sure that they listen and respect themselves as well as others around them. You are a father.


Soon you will have a baby, a baby that is relying on you to survive.

A baby that will grow into a child and look to you for its food, warmth, love and kindness.

It cannot survive without you or your love.


I just want to give you a few pointers and some advice.   I want you to remember it for always.  You may forget things at the store, or to fill up your gas tank. You may forget to turn off the lights or to pay a bill.  But you will never forget how much love you will feel when you have your baby.

1. You will have sleepless nights.  You will feel like sleeping standing up.  You will never sleep so hard you roll over your baby.  It's like a 6th sense. 
2. always keep night time healthy snacks.  When you get up to feed the baby in the middle of the night, it seems like we are allowing ourselves to eat as well.  Bad habit, unless you have a healthy snack.

2. Remember what I said about the baby wipes down the diaper.  This will contain any loose stools that you do not want all over the babys back. 

Energy wasted is a waste

So basically I didn't sleep all night.  When someone is ignored it can hurt just as much as throwing hurtful words at them. 

Took a break from facebook for awhile. People can be hateful, mean without meaning to be mean.  I started feeling like whenever I opened the application I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole.

I've done it before, fell into the rabbit hole and it was not a pretty sight.  Took a long time to recover and my head was all fuzzy for awhile.  I figure close down the pipeline, no fuzzies. 

I have a feeling that I am ready to erupt anyways, with the way that things are going. 

Work has been crazy, and I am thinking that I should have taken off the week.  I am up to my eyeballs in projects and they just keep piling on and I can't start any of them until they are assigned to me.  Of course they are all going to be assigned to me, but I found a few things that can be done without SharePoint and use a application that they are already using and able to keep everything in one place.