12/21/2017

The Gift

During this time of year, family comes to realize how important they are to each other. As most of you know, I am adopted and have started researching and looking for any siblings or relatives I have. It’s been nothing but tedious and interesting but it’s all been worth it so far. I feel guilt and apprehension as I continue my search because of feelings and resentments towards my adoptive mothers handling of questions I had growing up. She was the first to tell me I was adopted, but the that was it. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions nor was I able to show curiousity. To this day I still feel as though I am walking on thin ice through this journey. So it has been slow for me. Since my mothers ashes share the same bedroom as I, I really do not want to piss her off. I have enough ghosts haunting me, I do not need another.
Today a light shined on me as I opened a present from my boss. You could even hear the archangels harp as I pulled out a box that I thought was of paints or crayons because of all the similar shades of primary colors. It turned out to be a 23andMe DNA kit. I was floored and speechless, which as many of you know is almost impossible to achieve.

My boss, Debbie, is pushing me to do this. She has the faith and blessing that I will surpass my inner demons and figure out all of the answers to the questions that have been burning through me. I was so appreciative of this gift and it meant more to me than everything else I have received. I am finally really excited and antsy to get this done. I want answers and I am allowed to have questions about who I am. I am allowed to hunt high and low for the answers no matter where it takes me.

I just had to take a minute to jot this down. It’s a day I want to remember. I’m starting to have more and now of those in fact.

My life is happy
Thank you

5/29/2017

A Trip Down Memory Lane

This is one of the better memories, filled with a lot of laughs, martinis, and ass.

Proceed with caution.

Brian and I had only been dating a few months, so this was our first overnight, weekend get away to a new place.  I was excited about going to Vegas with him, but not as excited when I found out that the crew was also going.  Each weekend the crew changes, so this weekend it was Mark, Steve and Tom.  I have changed the names to protect the innocent, or in this case, the extremely guilty.


Living in the Past Much?

I have come to the realization that I have been living in the past constantly.

The birth certificate that I finally opened is the cause.  There is no way to turn it off either.  I am not obsessing over it yet.  I continuously check the facebook messages that I sent, to see if they had been read yet.  They have not.  I am debating friending the people, hoping that then they will see the message.  Then the scary realization will come, if they want anything to do with me.


5/24/2017

The First Time I Ran Away

Or it could be titled, the first time my mother kicked me out of the house.  Now that I remember, it was also the last time my mother told me to get out.

I was in the third grade.

It was a Saturday afternoon.


5/22/2017

Tired of the Every Year Thoughts

I really can't remember years past, how I felt when the anniversary of his death comes closer and closer. This year I feel nostalgic.
The memories have been creeping up on me.
From the first time skiing together and that first cigar in the hot tub, to our first drive to Vegas.  Vegas was our town.  We had Vegas by the balls.  We would go several times a year and only once we came home a loser.  


5/01/2017

A Mother That Was My Mother

Since I was laid off from work and most people related to me were dead I went crazy.
Let me explain real quick about "Most people related to me"

I was an only child.
My mother was an only child.
My son was an only child.


4/29/2017

It's Been a Moment

I don't really know why I am starting to post again. I think my overall goal is to finish writing my book so I can start on my second book. Part fiction, part truths, it will look at my life as an adopted child. One who wanted questions answered her entire life, and rebelled when the answers weren't there. It is a hard road, I questioned why my mother adopted me, if all along she was going to use me as a punching bag to humiliate and torture for years. I questioned why she adopted me if she wasn't going to give me the best life, since she wasn't going to come to a single sporting event I was a part of. I was honestly surprised that she showed to up my graduation and actually had a get together for me afterwards. I did put her through the ringer growing up. I challenged each word she said and I really tested her strength and conviction. I purposely did not talk to her for years because I wanted to hurt her.