Some days are bad, and some days are just okay
Today was just an okay day.
When I sit down and allow myself the chance to think, it can be a bad thing. Some days are just not meant for thinking. Today was one of those days.
I really needed to feel the water near me. The intense strength of the waves and knowing what the ocean is capable of, usually puts me in my place. The beach is a place where I had always felt welcome and safe. When I lived in San Diego and would run away from home, I would always, always run towards the water. Even when I was grown up and would run away from relationships or when I didn't want to look at the mirror and see a person that I didn't like, looking back at me, the beach was where I would go.
it was my thing I suppose.
When I would get to the beach, I would put on my headphones and play whatever cassette I had. I would bring extra batteries and just sit in the sand for hours and listen to music while thinking. I started this when I was 13 years old, and I have continued to do it up til 2011.
I've been craving the water immensely for the past 2 months. It's to the point I just want to pack up a car with whatever would fit in it, next to the dog of course and start driving. I wouldn't stop until I took that exit on I8. I would roll down the windows and inhale deeply and know that I am home and that everything was going to be okay.
Today was one of those days to where I needed a hug. My whole body hurts, craving a touch and love. I haven't been touched in years. It hurts knowing that. My body aches for a passion that I haven't yet found. I miss love and companionship. I miss a lot. I'm uncertain if I am punishing myself for things that I haven't forgave myself for. It seems so easy when you are the one, the only one that is holding yourself accountable. At times it doesn't make sense. Often I wonder why I am here. Seriously. Would things be better? What is on the other side? Would I get to finally be happy? I often thought the things I was doing, that kept me busy 24/7, was making me happy. However, I am coming to realize that it was just prolonging what I have been running from, what I have been hiding from. I'm not grounded and it hurting a lot. I'm not sure of what I can do. I'm sure a solution is staring me in the face, but its not the one that I am looking for.
All I want is the ocean. The peaceful force of the waves, crashing on the rocks, the sound that puts me at ease and allows me to think. Some people think that the noise would be too powerful, too forceful, too noisy. In my eyes, the waves secure me and my thoughts, to where I'm not going a million miles at a time. I am grounded, as if the sand is securing my feet, to where I can't move, To where I have no where to go and have to listen. Yet, I don't feel imprisoned, I feel free.
Today is a day that I need to be grounded with such a force of nature that feels as if the soft touches caress my body and allows me to flow outward into the ocean.
Such a force I need today.
When I sit down and allow myself the chance to think, it can be a bad thing. Some days are just not meant for thinking. Today was one of those days.
I really needed to feel the water near me. The intense strength of the waves and knowing what the ocean is capable of, usually puts me in my place. The beach is a place where I had always felt welcome and safe. When I lived in San Diego and would run away from home, I would always, always run towards the water. Even when I was grown up and would run away from relationships or when I didn't want to look at the mirror and see a person that I didn't like, looking back at me, the beach was where I would go.
it was my thing I suppose.
When I would get to the beach, I would put on my headphones and play whatever cassette I had. I would bring extra batteries and just sit in the sand for hours and listen to music while thinking. I started this when I was 13 years old, and I have continued to do it up til 2011.
I've been craving the water immensely for the past 2 months. It's to the point I just want to pack up a car with whatever would fit in it, next to the dog of course and start driving. I wouldn't stop until I took that exit on I8. I would roll down the windows and inhale deeply and know that I am home and that everything was going to be okay.
Today was one of those days to where I needed a hug. My whole body hurts, craving a touch and love. I haven't been touched in years. It hurts knowing that. My body aches for a passion that I haven't yet found. I miss love and companionship. I miss a lot. I'm uncertain if I am punishing myself for things that I haven't forgave myself for. It seems so easy when you are the one, the only one that is holding yourself accountable. At times it doesn't make sense. Often I wonder why I am here. Seriously. Would things be better? What is on the other side? Would I get to finally be happy? I often thought the things I was doing, that kept me busy 24/7, was making me happy. However, I am coming to realize that it was just prolonging what I have been running from, what I have been hiding from. I'm not grounded and it hurting a lot. I'm not sure of what I can do. I'm sure a solution is staring me in the face, but its not the one that I am looking for.
All I want is the ocean. The peaceful force of the waves, crashing on the rocks, the sound that puts me at ease and allows me to think. Some people think that the noise would be too powerful, too forceful, too noisy. In my eyes, the waves secure me and my thoughts, to where I'm not going a million miles at a time. I am grounded, as if the sand is securing my feet, to where I can't move, To where I have no where to go and have to listen. Yet, I don't feel imprisoned, I feel free.
Today is a day that I need to be grounded with such a force of nature that feels as if the soft touches caress my body and allows me to flow outward into the ocean.
Such a force I need today.
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