Trapped in a Bubble

Things dont always seem like they appear.  Like the message that is posted on car mirrors, "objects may appear larger than they really are". 


10 Things I would tell my 16 yr old self

Things I would tell my 16yr old self

1. That guy with the cool Nissan truck… will be bald and broke in 10
2. Stay after class and talk to Coach Al.
3. Stay away from the frizzy perms.
4. Invent Facebook.
5. No matter how thin you are, no one looks good in white leggings.
6. Don’t burn all of your bridges.
7. Demand braces.
8. Wear sunscreen all of the time.
9. Remember everyone you meet. 
10. Do not agree to sell the chocolates!


Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. This little girl was not a bad girl, for children are never bad.  This little girl wanted to be perfect.  She wanted to be a good girl so her mother would stop beating her.  The little girl wanted her mother to treat her like a princess, that she would read about in books. 

The little girls parents were divorced and her father never came to see her.  Every weekend the little girl would wait by the steps for her father to come and rescue her from her mother.  The father never showed up, and the little girl would cry her eyes out.  She was certain that her father did not love her, because the little girl was not perfect.  She wanted so much to be perfect. 

The mother drank a lot and when she went out drinking she would leave the little girl alone.  Sometimes the little girl was scared and often she would sneak to watch the television or play alone in her room. Often her mother came home late and when she did, she would wake up the little girl and would proceed to yell, and beat her so bad that she could not go to school the next day.  This would make the little girl very sad because she loved school. The teachers there would never hurt her or called her names.  The little girl loved school and would always try to stay as long as she could so she didn't have to go home.

As the little girl grew she went through a lot.  She often stole food in order to survive and would also lie to her mother.  She tried to be good, she really did.  She never knew why she would lie or steal and would always get caught and she never knew why she did it.  She never knew that there was something wrong with her on the inside and she had no control over it. 

When the little girl was in high school she often ran away from home. During the summer she would disappear for the entire summer without calling her mother.  She would find other friends who took care of her and were nice to her.  She learned what a real family was as well as real friends.  The little girl never stayed in contact with the friends that she made.  She never wanted them to know the hell that she really lived in or know about her past.  She wanted a fresh start where no one knew how bad she really was.  The little girl loved the summers and was always at the beach outside.  The scars from her cutting herself would disappear and she wouldn't have to wear long sleeved shirts all of the time. 

When she went back home nothing was said and she would continue to go to school. When her mother would drink and she would take out her aggressions on the girl, the girl would go into the bathroom and find the razor blades she had hid and start cutting herself.  The pain that she felt was like a drug and it was very warm and inviting.  Nothing else mattered in her life at that moment and the pain would trump everything else going on in her life.  She had to put all of her thoughts on the pain and the feeling at that moment that everything else seemed so small in comparison.  This made her cut more and soon she was wearing long sleeves again.  The girl would then start cutting her legs.  For some reason it wasn't the same as the arms and hands.  The feet were a good place for cutting and the pain would last longer. The mother never noticed and never knew.  The girl also controlled what she ate and would always get rid of the food, hiding it in her room or under her bed.  The girl would forget about it and her mother would find it and then make her eat it.  The girl then started throwing it up after she ate.  She had this down to a science and it was much easier than hiding the food.  She never got too skinny but between working, sports and being out of the house she was able to hide her problem as well as have places where she could go to purge in private. 

The girl was finally able to go live on her own as long as she was working and going to school.  The cutting stopped for a long time because she was not under her mothers control.  She was able to relax and do what she wanted to do.  She still stole things though.  She got the same high from stealing as she did from cutting.  She never got caught stealing.  Most of the time it was only food that she stole, which was silly because she would eat it then get rid of it.  Kind of pointless, but the girl was in it for the high she felt. 

When the girl graduated from high school she threw away all of her furniture and went to live at the beach as she did every summer.  There were no cell phones or pagers so no one knew where she was.  The girls mother tried to call the police to track her down but with the girls track record of running away, the police never did anything to try and find the girl.  The girl started to drink a lot.  She never thought that she would like alcohol because of what it did to her mother, but the girl would drink fifths of whiskey straight until she just blacked out.  It was a way to escape, so obviously there were still demons trying to chase her.  She also started doing drugs, which gave her a different high than the cutting or stealing but for some reason the drugs, mostly speed and acid made her calmer and able to deal with life. 
The girl would just either sleep on the beach, shack up with people that she met or just not go to sleep that night.  She often would find jobs at the local pizza places on Grand and be able to keep a job while partying.  It was funny though, she would meet complete strangers who would welcome her in, yet one of the owners of the pizza place where she worked at took advantage of her and assaulted her.  She never went back to that pizza place.  She did tell a few people what happened .  A few months later there was a fire at the building.  The girl often wondered if her friends had something to do with that, but she never asked.  The last summer at the beach was her most frightening one.  She was staying with one of her friends in a room above a liquor store/taco shop.  Many of you who know Pacific Beach know where I am referencing.  The person she was staying with was a dealer and very paranoid.  Once they locked all of the girls stuff in a closet and locked her in the room until they returned.  The girl was able to get away that night and never looked back.  Every time the girl sees an El Camino she often wonders what ever happened to them.  The girl was a wreck by then and needed to sleep for a long time.  She moved back home and told her mother she was cleaning up and getting out of town.  The girl slept for a week, once she was back on her feet she started working again.  She was starting to find herself.
The girl was still lost on the inside, and did not know where to go.  She didn't like the person that she was turning into.  She could not find the high that she craved from cutting or stealing. She began using drugs...One day, the girl didn't have any drugs so she found a razor and proceeded to cut her arm lengthwise and she bled to death.

Kids don't just do things to piss their parents off... sometimes they really don't know why they are fucked up.  Don't give up on them.  Turns out that this little girl was Bipolar and no one knew until the medical doctor questioned the mother. 

By the way, this is a true story. 

Wordless Wednesday Not (1-9-13)

Wishing... hah