7/25/2013

Lyrics

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

7/12/2013

Dwindlings

People talk to me about what I have written in the past and they always say nice, encouraging things to me.  I enjoy talking with them when I have something of significance to write about.  When I am just pulling stuff from my brain to write about, I tend to forget the significance of what my writings will have on other people. 
I am glad that I have an effect on people, in my close circle as well as from people around the United States.  I once received an email from a lady in Oregon who lost their spouse and she was reading my blog and learned my husband died, and related when I talked about mowing the lawn for the first time, how I just sat in the middle of the yard and bawled, yet nothing else brought me to tears.  It is sometimes the small things that have the most profound effect on a person. 
It's almost been two years, and I am at a standstill.  I have no energy to do anything.  I am going to stay in town and mourn him in my own way.  I still have his ashes, the waiting list for Arlington is long and I want everything done right and to the tune of perfection, because that is the way he would have wanted it.  I am not ready to close the door on that part of my life.  By moving his ashes, a part of me will be going with him.  I am not so sure if that is a good thing or not.  I am not ready to deal with those thoughts or feelings.  I enjoy having him around, but not so sure if it is a good thing for my mental health.  No one knows the answers to these things and once he is gone, it's not like I can have him back LOL.  I need to make sure I am ready to do it. 
I received an email from a person, who I have never talked to, in California.  We exchanged emails and talked in confidence of the importance of remembering a spouse and how to move on without harboring such a large amount of guilt.  She read when I would talk about dating and the turmoil I felt with that and how I would keep those feelings to myself and not share them with anyone.  Most of the feelings were of guilt and shame.  If you don't know already I have another blog that I had talked in detail of these issues but did not share them on here because I know many friends and family read this blog and sometimes I enjoy being able to talk to people who do not know who I am .  It makes a lot of what I am dealing with easier.  I can be whomever I want to be and not have to worry about being judged as soon as I walk into a place where I know people.  I enjoy being anonymous and it really helps at times to clear my head.  Anyways, this lady from CA and I talked and she moved from Florida to California to get a fresh start in life about 14 months ago.  Like me, her circle of friends revolved around her husband and it was hard for her to move on and become her own person when people expected her to be the same person she was when she was married.  I totally related to her.  We talked for months.  I found out last week that she passed away.  Her daughter said that she died of a broken heart.  I found out from her daughter that the wife was married for 45 years to her spouse and when she moved to CA she was closer to her children and grandchildren but she never really left the house alone.  I learned that she spent a lot of time online with people that she met and she spoke of me to her daughter often.  Amazing what a few words can do to someone who you do not even know.  I can't imagine what her daughter is going through.  I expressed words of kindness, what else could I have done?
I will always remember that words, no matter who speaks them, affects people you don't even know.  I am honored to have known this person and am thankful that she emailed me when she did.

7/04/2013

Poetry from my son

I watched closely as the shooting star,
made me think of how great you are,
It goes through the nightsky,
And shows me I am one lucky guy,
It goes behind the moon and hides,
To conceal it's feelings behind closed eyes,
The moon begins to fall,
Behind the earths large wall
The sun shows up and brightens the day,
But all the good thoughts go away,
It shows the outer beauty of you,
But at night you see the inner beauty which is true,
I was surprised to know you want me,
Because I thought another guy was higher up in the tree,
Thinking you would see him before me
But it ends up me being your baby, I could never harm a girl as kind,
Honest, Loving and always comes to mind,
Walking through the woods,
Shows me life cannot be this good,
But it ends up showing dreams can be true
And now we are held together with glue,
You make my mind spin by day and turn at night and gives me the thoughts to determine what's right,
You have me spinning by a thread, I get dizzy and fall on my bed,
And close my eyes to cleanse my head,
And hope I will never be dead,
Then I open one eye
To glance at the nightsky,
To see another shooting star,
And live the life of someone so far

I Was THAT Person

Proud of it too...



Okay so after Brian died I wanted to go places where no one knew me, no one gave me those funny looks and where I could do whatever I wanted because... well because I could.

I went to the Blue Ridge Mountains for a photo trip.  The trip was organized by a photographer that I found on Facebook, no I did not troll around on Craigslist.  He seems to know what he was doing and I thought this would be the perfect chance to get away and learn something about my camera and meet some new people. 

I scheduled the trip and each time I spoke with the group leader on the phone he sounded weird.  I don't want to label people, but he was an Odd Thomas.  I was scared but I also knew I had a safe hotel room and I had my car so I could leave if I needed to... which I did, but more on that later...

So I start my long drive to Pigeon Forge, by leaving my house at 5 am.  The drive was amazing and since it was light out, I didn't stress out too much about deer.  Everything was green and the drive was pretty much uneventful. 

I get lost of course, those of you who know me well know me!!  It was a simple *cough* mistake, I just transposed the numbers of the address to the hotel and I wandered into a hotel who had no idea who I was. 

Lovely.

So I find my hotel and find out that the group leader put us all together so we can chat and get to know each other.  Hmm, okay.

Thank god I brought my own coffee pot.

I unpack and knew I had a few hours to kill before the first photo op and I needed a nap.  I get all comfy and cozy and then the knocking started on my door.  Mr Group Leader found out I was the first one there, and was all excited to see how grumpy I am when someone wakes me up.  I open the door was immediately accosted by saliva.  As soon as he started talking it flew.  I made up my mind right then and there that I was not sitting next to him at any restaurant. 

Now, I am only poking fun and people because of the state of emotion I was in at the time. 

So he starts talking and I am too busy dodging bullets that I had to have him repeat what he said, which was to keep an eye out for the others, yea instead of napping I don't think so.   I told him I would after my nap and shut the door promptly, because I was going to be that person.  I went to lay down and of course couldn't fall back to sleep.  So then I was on the computer and peeking through the window to get sneak peeks of the others that were in the group. 

The first man I saw walked with a cane. Now we are in the mountains, I brought two pair of hiking boots and I know that there are bears out there, so the need to run fast was an asset.  I gave the gentleman the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he was using a walking stick as a tripod...
Me and my bright ideas.. heh

I went outside to introduce myself, and he told me his name, which I forgot, and then he told me he was afraid of heights as well and he would have to not go when we visited some peak for sunset photo's  I was like umm okay.  We talked, and everything went in one ear and out the other, but I managed to escape into my room until the next people came.  There were 6 of us in all so the small group made for some great photography instruction..

While everyone was getting ready for the first photo shoot, I was busy assessing everyone up.  I figured that I would meet some great people on the trip from across the United States and I was right.  But, I didn't have a hankering to make plans to visit any of them.  We all packed up the van, climbed in, and proceeded to a close photo op.  I sat in the back so I could watch all of the interactions with each other and determine how I was going to present myself.  I could be whomever I wanted, and I was planning on taking full advantage of it.  I was already labeled the person who was late to the very first trip, I was talking to a girlfriend back home, telling her about all of the personalities and I looked out my window to see almost everyone inside of the van.  I hurriedly made my way to the group. I could have made a million excuses but like them I was excited and wanted to get on the road, so I clammed up and was good for the time being. 

The 4 hour long shoot was amazing, I learned more about my camera in those  4 hours than I had the entire time I owned the camera.  I was also the person who had to borrow a tripod.  Who, yes tell me who forgets their tripod on a photo trip??  Yep, that's me.  I would up going into town to purchase more batteries for my camera and purchased a tripod, instead of having Bryant overnight mine to the hotel. 

We all ate dinner together and we talked about what we did for a living and how we got into photography.  There was no need to let them all know I was a widow, it was nice being around people who didn't know, and who did not give me the looks.  I didn't need or want the looks on this trip.  I wanted to be Jessica. 

Part 2 - to be continued  (I started this post almost a year ago, it's about time I finish telling my stories)

7/03/2013

Moving Forward

I have been in a haze for the past few weeks that I can only compare to when Brian died.  Over the past year I have loved and cared about someone and it ended.  It was my first love after Brian and I experienced many firsts with this person.  He made me happy when no one else could and he also could make me very mad at a moments notice.  Sounds like any other relationship huh?
I had a hard time letting go, I was devastated.  I almost felt the same as when Brian died.  Not as intense but clearly a mile marker for me. 
I had work to keep me busy and threw myself into it and was never home.  I finally broke all ties with him and I am starting to lift myself up with ease.  I no longer look at my phone longing someone to call me.  I make the calls to the friends that I have.  Does it make sense that I don't want this person to leave my life yet I cannot stand to talk to him right now?  I do not hate him, that is not the reasoning behind this.  I just couldn't get over him.  Odd for me since I never let anyone in to begin with.  I think dating should be having fun and getting to know someone.  I need to casually date, see what is out there and start healing.  I don't think dating so soon after Brian died helped either.  I was still a mess a year after he died, and I always think of him and what we would be doing right now and how perfect our lives would be.  Everything was so perfect when he left that I couldn't have imagined anything better.  There were so many years that we struggled, fought, lived apart and disliked each other, and we strove to work it out and become the people that fell in love 12 years ago.  After everything that we had been through, it was finally working.  We knew what we needed to give each other and what we needed to do to make "it" work.  I never in my life worked that hard for anything.  I can say it was all worth it.  I also wonder if anyone will be worthy of that struggle and hard work.  I need to stop questioning everyone's motive and live for me.
Today I am very happy and yesterday and I was happy as well.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I am at the point where I desire to be the strong person and do something that makes me want to be happy. 

I was selected as a finalist in a magazine short essay of "What is the bravest thing you have done"  It hits home, but has a lot of my story of falling in love again.  It will hurt to read it but I am so lucky to have had the chance at love and experience so many new and exciting things that I can only smile about it and shed a tear or two and then buck up and start on the next phase of my life.