5/28/2010

Another first date

After the first disaster date, names “stink date” I went back online that night and took off my profile. Who am I kidding? I thought to myself. I figured every single dude on that site is going to warrant the same looks and smells. After reliving the “stink date” I thought maybe he just smelled cuz he had to work that day, and maybe he lost his fake tooth in the ocean… I stopped pondering after awhile and went to a bar with friends down by the beach. I loved the walk I took to the bar, it was very refreshing and over a 2 mile walk. I figured it could help with the beer I will be drinking, only sad note there was that I would have to walk home. In Ocean Beach though, it was safe to walk home as long as you went a certain way and I would always stop at Roberto’s for my favorite rolled tacos.

I got to the bar and met up with a few friends, got a beverage and settled down to watch the Padres on their way to the World Series. There were still a few months to go, but with all of the good looks and muscle on the team, it was only a matter of time. While I was sitting down I noticed a really cute guy, looked like he had 70’s hair though, but it was thick and full. Brown hair, blue eyes and very very tall. He smiled and I sat down with friends watching the game. I only mention this guy because after going to the bar a few Friday’s I noticed he was always there, and sat in the same spot. Never with another girl, and of course later on I figured out why. We started talking, and talking some more. He lived nearby and so of course one night I decided to check out his place, I already knew it would be small since it was so close to the beach. Went to his house, it was clean and very organized. Then he tells me it is his ex wife’s house. Lovely, I thought, I wonder why he is still living here. I didn’t want to pry so I just kept my mouth shut for the time being. We started watching tv, and he then TOOK OFF HIS SHOES.

OMG
What is it with me and stinky people? His feet stunk so bad that by the time I left, I could smell the smell all the way home. How did I manage to get out of the house without the infamous ‘sexual relations’? I snuck out after he fell asleep on the couch, passed out whatever, I booked it out of the house!
I couldn’t even stop for my favorite all time tacos. I went straight home and showered.
Do you think I learned my lesson the first time… umm no!
This went on for awhile, since I HAD to go to the bar and visit my friends and have some tie to myself. Finally I said no more, and didn’t go back to the bar. Well, this guy (I don’t even remember his name but I remember the smell) kept calling the house. I had a separate phone line with an answering machine, since of course I was so important and I didn’t want to miss a call from any of these rejects that I have been dating. He would leave these messages on there, and omg they were hilarious, about how he misses me, and how he wants to see me, and wanted to know what he did wrong, and where I was hanging out blah blah. My mother would listen to these as he was leaving them and she would be cracking up. We finally named him ‘cling freak’. Since stink date was already taken.
I never really ran into him again. There was a few times I was down there with my now spouse hoping that I would not run into him. I could only imagine how that would be, since of course I didn’t remember his name, but I knew of his stinky feet.

It was then that I decided to go back to the online dating.

All of this is leading to a very happy ending!!

5/27/2010

First Dates

One day a long time ago...

I sat in front of my computer, late at night wondering what I was getting myself into.

I wrote all of the mini details that they asked for. Still not believing that I was going to follow through with this.

My mother thought it was a bad idea, but I told her that it was just like meeting a blind date in a bar. Although, right before I clicked on the submit button I glanced over the information I gave; name, of course I gave my own. Weight, I was in a good frame of mind and my weight was perfect. I was running 5 miles a day and also going to the gym at night. I am sure that the firehouse that was right next door, the same one I would run past every day had something to do with my total commitment to exercise. Height was a normal 5 feet 8 inches.

Interests; were of course the normal interest for a 29 year old.. outdoor activities, drinking, reading, things of that nature. I didn't really embellish anything since I really didn't need to lie about things and no one needed to know any more about my private life until I thought that they were ready.

I then had to write down what I wanted out of a relationship/man. That took the hardest to figure out since I had no idea what I wanted. A few years back I was married and since the divorce I didn't date nor engage in sexual relations (do they even use that word anymore?) I mean after Clinton, I think that phrase was outlawed. I wrote down that I wanted an honest relationship with fun and good times ahead. I was so naive.

After I hit the submit button, I started looking at some of the other women on the site, and what they had written down for their preferences. Hah I thought, no one is going to make a big deal. I already learned some of the ropes by hanging out in chat rooms and realizing what men in the rooms at 2 am were looking for and I really wasn't the one to give it to them. That is for another story.


I went about my busy life in the meantime since I was working full time, going to school full time and had a son. Yea would have thought I had no time for dating, but of course I found the time, I just didn't sleep. I worked at a great school downtown and I went to 2 colleges in the area. I was very busy, and without a cell phone or a laptop as many people have it today. It's funny because it was not that long ago when all of this started happening to me. After a few days, I checked my email and there were a few responses in my inbox. I would read each one carefully, getting rid of the ones who did not work, did not have a car, were younger than I was and who had no goals in life. After one or two emails the weeding out went very smoothly. Smoothly in the fact I just would not email them back… ever.

I would keep a scratch pad by the computer where I would keep their user names and emails along with the reason why I decided to break contact with that person. I found out quickly that people would change their names and then try all over again. Ok, seriously people who has time for all of this? There were a few whom I enjoyed talking to and would converse with them many times via email. I then decided that I wanted to talk to them on the phone. So let's talk about Steve ( I am protecting their names). Steve sounds very nice on the phone, had dogs and we had the same interests.


Finally after talking on the phone for about a week we decided to meet. He wanted to pick me up and that was good so I could leave the car license plate with a friend in case my body was found in some canyon in teeny tiny pieces. That evening we were going to go for Mexican food and then go see a movie if things work out. While I was waiting for the elite stranger, I ran out to take out the trash, so I didn't have to do it when I came home late at night, after the perfect date. I was walking down the hall and smelled someone in the hall way and it was not a good smell, I figured they had just finished running or going to the gym, so I thought nothing of it and threw the garbage away and went back upstairs, still smelling that pungent odor.

That is what I saw HIM. Now I know what you are thinking, it was love at first sight and I fell head over heels in love with him. NO, that wasn't the case. This was the guy that I smelled. He seemed harmless and I had no idea why I just didn't ignore him and just keep on walking up the stairs. Oh but nooo, miss Jess had to be nice and ask the dude how he was and if he was looking for someone. Of course he was looking for me. I told him I would be back downstairs in a minute. Now, I was thinking the entire time that I needed to get rid of this dude. I wasn't scared of him but oh my god he smelled really bad. I thought to myself that I could never go back downstairs and he would just go away. Hopefully he wouldn't ask anyone else where I lived or things of that nature. I couldn't do that to another person, and plus Mexican food was at stake. I was looking good, so people would wonder why, I just made sure I put on more perfume, hoping it would cling to him a bit, but then that would require me to get close to him. I grabbed my bag and we then proceeded on our stink date as I refer to it.

Now, we all know that there are certain people that you will never forget and he was one of them. We drove to old town, which was like 5 minutes away from my house. We make small talk, I try to talk as much as holding my breath would allow. We get to the restaurant and sit across from each other, and I look at him, he smiles, and I see a tooth is missing, right on the front. OMG A tooth is not there, we are not living in West Virginia here.

He has a missing tooth.

So what the hell do I do? Well stop looking at it for one. Secondly, don't make it look like I totally am freaking out over this.

Okay so I look down at the menu… would it be rude if I walked to the bathroom, sneak out the back way and run to the buses across the street and demand a ride home? Well, of course it would be but what other option was there. At least I knew that there would be no sexual reations with this guy. Whew!

I then looked at the menu and saw what I was giving up, carne asada, beans, rice, all sorts of delectables. We did have a lot in common, so I went ahead and ordered dinner, and made sure that we went dutch so there was nothing owed to anyone. The dinner was delicious. I found out that he worked at a university in the physics department and he just came from some outdoor ocean thing, whatever that means and no the entire conversation was not that vague.

Then after dinner, we decided on a movie. Yes, it was a 'we' decision'. i wanted to watch a movie in the theatre without little children bouncing around and to be able to watch a good movie, I would have given blood for that one!

God only knows how I managed sitting next to him in a movie theatre, but the movie was excellent and was exciting from the beginning so there was no reason for small talk. We saw the Sixth Sense. Then afterward he took me home, called me when he got home and we never met again. How painful was that??

One of the most talked about movies of all time and I had to relive the entire evening when I would talk to people about the movie. Everyone would want to know why I went alone, then when I told them that I went with someone, a man, then they wanted to know more details and how can I lie about this man that I met, that had the most deep handsome voice on the phone and a nice picture, and not laugh my ass off hysterically? So of course I told them, not to have a pity party for me, although that would have been nice, but so that they could share in the sorrow that I faced that night.



5/26/2010

a cat is a CAT

So of course I have this cat....


He of course has grown since this photo, but he is my cat.

He is FAT, at a year old his length is over 4 feet. He cannot jump long distances or stare at things until they melt, but he does have:

wait for it... SPIDER POWER

I used to think that he would sleep in the basement cuz it was cool, and he had this perch on top of the recliner. He stopped sleeping with me, and retreated to the basement. I did take this personally for awhile, then I got over it. He would then sleep all day and I thought something was wrong with him cuz he slept

ALL OF THE TIME!

While he is in the basement, perched on top of the recliner... he is hunting things. BIG things. Things mommie does not like. Spider crickets are the worst. When you are getting ready to run they jump at you. You scream and shoo it off, only to have it fall to the ground and jump all over the place like they are blind again. Oh and forget the things that fly faster than I walk. FORGETTT IT!

So anyways, he the almighty cricket hunter, catches these horrible creatures, and bats them around the room, holds them down till their cricket legs fall off one at a time... (I should have named him Hannibal or Red John) . He will also position himself in front of the laundry room door, waiting for something to move underneath it. I do not want to know what he catches as long as it is gone.

I can tell when he has had a good night when I go downstairs and there are legs all over the place. I guess that they are not as tasty as the body.

*shudders*

5/24/2010

I spent over 100 hours being LOST

So, was it worth it? I can't really answer that question as of right now. Many people have their own interpretations of the episode, and mine matches a few of them, but I still do not feel as held on to it, as I did for example with Grey's Anatomy.
I know that everyone was looking for their own closure to their death before they could move on. I understand that you could look at the from a one person pov (Jake) and his journey to the end. The episodes where they were not on the island are not at the same time of the island, because of what Hurley told Ben, "you were a great number 1" so obviously they have had their time on the island and it was a long time since they had that bond. So Ben finally got his redemption and had something worth living for (the island). That was kind of sad. I wasn't sure why Ben wasn't ready to move on, maybe he didn't want too because he found exactly what he wanted to do with his life on the island. Or maybe he wasn't going to the same place, although Sayid killed just as many people I am sure as Ben did, they both had redemption and Sayid was there but Ben was not ready...

The things on the island did happen.
There was a Dharma Initiative
There were Others
There was a battle between good and evil.
I wonder why Jacob was not in the church?

People asked why Micheal and Walt were not in the church, if I remember correctly Micheal was still trapped on the island whispering silly voices since he was still trapped there by what he did.
And of course people like Ana Lucia, weren't ready to move on were still trapped in that sideways travel of sorts.

I think that it just ended. No fan faire, no "OMG, "holy COW!!! So that was what that was" comments, sitting on the edge of your seat. I was bored, I fell asleep a few times.

5/18/2010

This week has been a killer

And it is only Tuesday.

It is all my fault though, that I have to admit.
I started back to work Monday, working from home and I have been very lucky to be working from home. If I would have known how busy this week would be, I would have stayed home this week also LOL.
All of this business I speak of is due to the primetime TELEVISION!
Monday I had to wait till work was over, run to the grocery, JC penny's to check out furniture, then to Lazy boy for of course the same reason.
Monday was Two and a Half Men, Rules of Engagement, Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother. I had to record One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl. I usually could catch the reruns but of course we all know it is season finale week, and
OMG!!!!
The Smoke Monster just got Richard!
After all of the regular shows, I watched the recorded shows thereby not going to bed till midnight.
OH MY GAWD BEN IS AN ASS
As you can tell I am trying to multi task....
So today is Tuesday
as soon as work was over I went to buy my couch (which has a recliner in it) and then did some other errands. Today my back hurt more than anything from sitting in a chair all day and my stomach wasnt feeling too well either.
So then tonights drama's NCIS, 92120, and omg LOST

OMG
LOST better not let me down.
So tomorrow I think nothing is on tv
I LIED
Law and Order and Criminal Minds is on. Oh the woo I face. I think I have to go to the grocery tomorrow.
OMG I question why did Ben just kill Whitmore?????
Ben, you never cease to amaze me!
Oh dear lard, Ben went back to the dark side.

okay so then Thursday I have Grey's Anatomy, and The Mentalist. I am going to a meeting at weight watchers at 6:30 and hopefully I wil have lost my goal weight. Then I can party like a rock star in front of the television.

Oh Jacob is going to tell them everything...

LOL the Toy Story movie looks hilarious!!!!

Okay so now I have to listen to Moose gossip, I dont go up there so I dont hear it but I hear it anyways!

I am a sorry soul, watching television all week long, but while I was home I got addicted to the tv and primetime. OMG I actually admitted that I watch Gossip Girl and 92120.
Send intervention, as well as some fat free popcorn and parm cheese please.
KTXBY!

Yes, you can freeze broccoli

Wow, Monday morning rolls around and the bunch of banana's I bought were already turning brown. Ugh! I refused to throw away food as one of my goals for this year, so I looked online about freezing banana's and I took each banana, cut them, and put them in individual sandwhich baggies, and then put all of the baggies into a larger one. This will be the perfect way to make my smoothies in the morning and it will be much colder. I then thought well I am going to also freeze the strawberries, but how can I freeze them without them sticking/clumping together. I put some wax paper on a cookie sheet, cleaned and cut the strawberries and then laid them on the cookie sheet. I then put the cookie sheet in the freezer until they were frozen and threw them all in a large ziploc bag. This way I can just take out what I need and not have to deal with clumpy strawberries, which would wreck my blender!
I then saw the large bag of broccoli in my fridge, and thought there has got to be a way. So then I researched online and tried the following: I made fresh cuts to the broccoli spears that I wanted to freeze. I then put those florets into a pot of boiling salt water, and let them boil for about 4 minutes. I then rinsed them in an ice bath, and proceeded to do the same as the strawberries. Laid the florets on a cookie sheet with wax paper, and once frozen they were put into a ziploc bag. This way I can take out exactly how much I want to cook.

I am amazing!

5/16/2010

Some snipets from the month of May

-Buying and planting tomato plants, along with peppers and chili's
-Renewing my library card
-Going back to work tomorrow, working from home
-Made plans and booked hotel for New Orleans. Will be nice to reconnect and explore. I am really looking forward to this
-found a new couch and living room furniture, will help ease the clutter
-Made an appointment to take my GRE

and this is only te 16th of May :)

5/10/2010

Love you more than a mouse loves cheese

So you all know that I could not have animals because of the pet deposit, I stole a kitten and had to return her.
*sobs*
That scarred me more emotionally than it did the cat, since of course the cat went back to sleeping in a nice warm bed and drinking milk.

So, back to the drawing board.

I didn't get an allowance so I was very creative on how to could score an extra dollar or so. Sometimes I would buy nickel candy at 7-11, or 5 candy bars at the local liquor store. Sometimes though, I would walk to Gemco, there was a pet store behind it, and I would go into the pet store.
I saw mice
I saw fish
It was very humid in there from the fish tanks. I remember the smell.
I havent had a fish as a pet since then...
I saw fish for a dollar and I saw mice for a dollar.
I ran to the mice
which of course were breed to be eaten by snakes and other retiles, but all I saw was the
warm
beatty
eyes...
calling to me, please buy me and give me a home...
I bought the mouse, it was $1.07.
I think he gave me a box for the mouse.
I don't remember walking home with the mouse...
But I do remember the next night, my mother screaming and standing on a chair because there was a mouse in the house.
Oh Holy Crap I thought.
Do I pretend to freak out, or do I come clean?
Well, coming clean in those days meant a hefty whipping and being grounded in my room for weeks at a time... with no tv, no phone no personal interaction.. and I wonder why I am so weird now...
So....
I pretended to freak out... the mouse was running around the kitchen, the entire time i was in that kitchen I was trying to figure out how it got out of my room and just for giggles, I had to look and make sure that
IT
WAS
THE
SAME
MOUSE!!!

well, after all of that commotion my mother's boyfriend caught the mouse and took it out to the field behind the apartments.

Project Mouse
OPERATION FAIL!

So of course, I had another dollar hanging around and so of course, I buy another mouse. I kept the mouse in a non cardboard container. That was my epic fail last time, so I had another box that I bored holes into it with a pen. And of course for some reason I cannot figure out how I got the thing home and how I got it into my room.

And of course
THE
SAME
THING
HAPPENS

It escaped. Mom is on the chair again, while calling the management company, and looking at the classifieds for a new place to move into, since of course you know I did not open my mouth and tell her that was my mouse, as well as the first one. OMG I would not have been able to move for a week.
I don't know if I ever did come clean to my mom. I am sure that she knew something was up. I didn't buy another mouse after that, I just dont think that my mom could have handled the pressure, nor do I think that the chair my mother would stand on could handle the pressure either. I was a precious child, and this is proof of it I am sure.

But I finally did get a pet. Not Sammy the fish, but a calico cat, whom I named Keylow, and she was my baby. I was like Lenny from Mice and Men, I loved her and fed her and called her my own. I didn't squeeze her either. When I ran away from home later on in life, I would take her with me to school and she would just hang out in my back pack all day, knowing that I would take care of her. I have no idea why she didn't run away or why she didnt mess in my backpack. I was cool for a day though.

I am surprised agency's allow me to have animals now.

Of course I have not told the story of me having 16 cats and kittens when my first husband went off to the Gulf War. Since there was no internet, no cell phones and no up to date news, I had to wait for letters and then write back and wait the two weeks for the letters to get there. I needed something to do wit my time, and so I got a cat. Well, that cat wound up having babies. I was looking for another apartment at the time, and a lady said that someone dropped a cat and her litter in the laundry room, so what do I do?? OMG I didn't walk away..
I
TOOK
THEM
ALL
HOME

I found homes for every single cat, got the momma cat fixed since she refused to stay inside the house.
I guess you can call that nesting.
And for some reason God didn't think I was ready for a baby?

5/09/2010

My First Cat

I think the cat was white.
I only had him/her for a few days.

I was walking home innocently one day and a kitten followed me home one day. Well, that is what I firmly believe, but of course there is another half of this story. I stole the kitten from a friends house.

I think I was 7 years old, and I wanted an animal so bad that i actually stole an animal and brought it home. I kept the animal under my bed and would bring him out at night to play with him. I remember keeping water under my bed for him and I think I fed him sloppy joes.

A day or so later, I was up early getting ready to do a swap meet with my mom and we are talking in the bathroom and all of a sudden this kiten comes out and and starts stretching his legs and yawning. I was wondering if I would be able to pick up the cat and throw him in my room. My mother took one look at the cat and of course the first thing she said was, "what is that?" I pretended that I didn't see anything and wondered if she would believe me and wonder if she was dreaming. I didn't really get into trouble, but I did have to return the cat. We couldn't have pets in the apartments that we lived in because we could not afford to pay the pet deposit.

I returned the cat and the owners didn't know I took it.

I did eventually get a cat...
I think it was because I started bringing those dollar mice into the house. And that is a story for another day.

5/07/2010

much ado about nothing

Every since I posted the Nacho's I have wanted nacho's. Each time I come here to write a post, I look at the nacho's and I think.. ohh yumm add some chicken and some black beans and a new plate of nacho's.

okay.
Enough with the nacho's.

I highly recommend the book Sarah's Key. Amazing international best seller, amazing story, amazing journey of two women in two different time periods.
I read it in a day.
I cried.
anyways!

Nothing much to post, I do have a good story to tell as always, just putting the finishing touches on it.

5/01/2010

Nachos



I made lunch for me today. Everyone was gone so I checked out my favorite food website (ThePioneerWoman). I decided on the Nachos since I could tweak it with the stuff that I had, and I really wanted some carbs.



I cooked up some ground hamburger, added some taco sauce, and you can use enchilada sauce if you want, but I wanted to stay as mild as possible but with a hint of flavor. I also cooked a can of pinto beans. While that was simmering I chopped up some tomato, avocado, and shredded some Monterey Jack cheese and added a bit of cheddar to the mix. Then I took some tortilla chips laid them down in a pie plate, covered them with beans and the meat, added some cheese, and a few tomato's then I repeated, omitting the tomato's this time. I then put it in the broiler for a few minutes and it looked awesome


I then took a generous helping, and added some fresh tomato's and avocado, added some sour cream and I

ATE.
It.
ALL.
UP.


Yes, I had seconds. No, I am not sharing. Yes, I will be making this again.

Painfully Raw still

I have been thinking of a million things since I have been home, and one of them has had a few people stumped.

I know that I will never have children again, I am okay with that and if I become rich I can always adopt.

People wonder why I am so blunt with the answer and none of them have a clue. I do have a sorted past...

I.am.okay.about.not.ever.bearing.a.child.again

Number 1 - I am 40
Number 2 - I have one child who is almost 18.
Number 3 - I have been through some pain and will never ever want to go through some pains throughout my life and this is one of them.

I have no idea where to start. I could start of when I was a teen and a wild woman, drinking almost all day on the weekends and sleeping around without the thought of protection. Yea me! I know I have made mistakes, if you are going to judge then stop reading.
Thank you

I was pregnant once, twice, three times...
try 6 times
each time there was a baby growing inside of me...
each time the cramps started I knew... and just
GAVE
UP

The first time, the miscarriage was of course a blessing in disguise. I was young, immature and was very selfish and mean. I was living my life through a whiskey bottle, thanks to some great parenting, and was burying myself in it as much as I could.
I lost the ____ I never know what word to put here, do I put what is politically correct, or what I felt in my heart. Problem with that, is that with each miscarriage the feeling was different....
Stronger
Deeper
Harder
Longer

The first miscarriage, like I said I was young so it didn't bother me as much, I just handled it as well as a 17yr old could, put on a pad and continued with my days after a day of rest. After that, I settled down for a bit, had one boyfriend, had a job, and enlisted in the military. I wanted to get as far away from the place I grew up and from the things I grew up with. Even if some of those things were not people, I still needed to get away from all of the emotion and become whoever I wanted to be.

I joined the Navy, and got married.
Just.
Like.
That.

I had 4 miscarraiges then. With each one I became more and more pregnant... farther along the charts, and I would read more of What to Expect When Expecting.
Each time I read a new chapter I would have hope. Something that I would not have until I moved past the crucial date, the date of how old the ______ was before it eliminated itself.
Then it would happen again, the cramps would start, the back pain would begin.
I knew
I would pack away the book, and all things I might have bought into a box, which I would have Steve put in the back of the closet.
Then
I cried
There was such an emptiness there, a once warm feeling, now cold to the touch. There was nothing there. I often wondered what they would do with the fetus once the remains were sucked out of me. I often blamed myself and would go home as soon as possible, crawl under the covers and disappear in my own little world, believing that I did give birth to a healthy boy/girl and I would imagine what it would smell like, hopefully not like the bloody, metallic smell I would smell as the cramping finally gave way to bleeding. I resented everyone who had a baby regardless of their hard story or what they went through. I wanted to wallow as long as I could, cry as long as I wanted. I was never consoled by Steve, he would heal in his own way, by drinking and cleaning the house. I do not want to know what he was thinking during that time, I felt that he had no right to think of what I lost. It was mine, and I wanted it.

Then it was back to work. Since I was in the military, everyone knew everything about me. It was hard to go from wearing maternity pants to my regular uniform. When I would get dressed I would still have a bubble in my belly and I would rub my hand over it, hoping to feel one last hiccup or floaty. I would just cry at a drop of a hat. I had many issues, should have been medicated but wasn't. People were kind, wanting to know what they could do, how they could help. It was impossible to hide from it, so I had to deal with it, which looking back today is probably the thing that saved me. Some days while laying in bed before work I wanted to sleep forever, because then I could dream of them. I wanted to stay in that dream forever. I never told anyone before, of the night my reality came crashing into my dreams. I am not ready to tell that story.

We would wait the recommended time and then try again. Once I found out I was pregnant I would not tell anyone. I would just go on like nothing was growing in me, pretending not to love the little _______ that was inside of me, making me sick... I would go weeks before I would make that initial doctor's appointment, and express no joy when the office would conduct its own test, and watch emptiness as the blood was drawn. I would go home, and do what I had to do. I would not think of where the crib would go, I would not think of what clothes to buy it. It was an It. There was no other word for it. Then as the weeks would add up and I would hear the beating heartbeat, I would become excited, and run home, find the box... get out the book, reread the parts I might have forgotten.
I
NEVER
forgot the milestones or the symptoms, or what to expect. I just wanted to reread the chapters to ensure that I was indeed pregnant and if I read from the beginning then I know in my heart I would have enjoyed it from the beginning just like I should have.
Then the pain would start again...

This created so much hate and discontent in my marriage, half of it was my fault I am sure. We weren't a team anymore, distant, cold and blaming each other for the problems. We moved into a small house to see if that would help.
It didn't
We had sex once, yes I remember. I had trouble keeping the pregnancy not getting pregnant. When Steve came home from Det, we would have sex I would get pregnant wham bam!
6 weeks later, I am at work, distraught over living alone with a dog, and very very depressed. I didn't even realize that I was late and by the time I did realize it, I was 8 weeks pregnant. They gave me some sort of steroids to help the fetus survive. Once I was able to do genetics testing they determined the problem and was able to fix it. Now, I wonder why they could not have done this early on. I was sick as a dog! I had few cravings, chili cheese fries and cereal. The smell of bacon would throw me into the bathroom over the toilet for hours. During my pregnancy I lived with 2 other gals in a really nice apartment. They were sorted, didn't like me because I had a gun in the house... well then they should not have let me move in... they are lucky I even told them I had a gun. Anyways!

I was a paranoid pregnant woman. Every time I did not feel movement, I would rush to the doctors demanding an ultrasound. When I saw the baby I would feel at ease all was right in the world. Even if I was alone, since Steve left, I was happy but very guarded.

Bryant was born... he had ten fingers, ten toes and a stubborn streak that proved throughout the years that he was meant to be. He gave my life much joy. He cried every night, drove me into sanity a few times, and every night after the colic I would just hold him and tell him I was stronger than he was and I could handle anything he could dish out. I knew that I was meant to be Bryant's mom.

Many things happened throughout his childhood, which I won't get into here.

Flashforward

I married Brian, and we tried twice to have a child. Actually I got pregnant and he stressed out. I lost both of them. Brian had a vasectomy and that was that.
I
was
very
VERY
upset
that he did this without really talking to me about it. It might have been his way to deal with it. But it took years and years for me to accept that I was not going to have any children with Brian. It hurt like a passion, and I tried to deal with it. I don't know if today I have come to terms with it, which is really stupid because I myself do not have a uterus anymore. I could say he did it first... his fault... the end...
I don't know...
Anyone who knows me growing up and hell even now, knows that I LOVE babies. The smells, the crying, the diapers, the one on one interaction... the unconditional love.
I love children, I feel that they hold the future in their hands. I feel that all children need more love than what they are getting. Babies are not spoiled, they have no clue what that means. They want to be hugged and loved. When a baby is being held with all of that warmth and love, then it is gone... they cry... I can relate...
I cried too when it was all gone...

And that is why I am ok about not bearing children