10/27/2015

A nudge here or there...

Since becoming sober and clean, a lot of memories are charging at me, questioning my reasoning and leaving my sobriety in balance.  I try not to dwell on these thoughts, I stay busy, I exercise, I go to meetings and I stay away from the toxicity that got me where I was.
One thought keeps I guess you can say, “attacking” me.  Each time I am still, even if it is just for a few seconds, this thought will come rushing at me like a quarterback being charged by the opposing line.  The thought is simple, finish my book.  I do not know why this one thought stays with me, or why it continues to poke at me constantly.  I often forget about it the moment I realize what is happening and I will busy myself with something more productive and something that I have a finished goal for.  Right now I do not need something that I cannot even fathom finishing or providing an active outline for.  It would take me years to complete and even though I have scraps of paper of things that I want to write about or how I want the chapters to flow, I can’t seem to sit still long enough to be able to write a small chapter without my nerves going into overdrive, I can’t imagine a book. 

10/21/2015

A Birthday Without A Mother

Holidays have a different meaning after a loved one dies.  Each holiday has special past memories and it is quiet hard to make new ones.

This is the first Birthday without my mother nor my mother in law. They each died within a month of each other.  I was driving home from Buffalo when I got the first of many calls telling me my mothers health was declining.  I didn't want to hear it and just brush them off at the beginning.  Then the calls got more frequent and I had to answer them.