Moving Forward

I have been in a haze for the past few weeks that I can only compare to when Brian died.  Over the past year I have loved and cared about someone and it ended.  It was my first love after Brian and I experienced many firsts with this person.  He made me happy when no one else could and he also could make me very mad at a moments notice.  Sounds like any other relationship huh?
I had a hard time letting go, I was devastated.  I almost felt the same as when Brian died.  Not as intense but clearly a mile marker for me. 
I had work to keep me busy and threw myself into it and was never home.  I finally broke all ties with him and I am starting to lift myself up with ease.  I no longer look at my phone longing someone to call me.  I make the calls to the friends that I have.  Does it make sense that I don't want this person to leave my life yet I cannot stand to talk to him right now?  I do not hate him, that is not the reasoning behind this.  I just couldn't get over him.  Odd for me since I never let anyone in to begin with.  I think dating should be having fun and getting to know someone.  I need to casually date, see what is out there and start healing.  I don't think dating so soon after Brian died helped either.  I was still a mess a year after he died, and I always think of him and what we would be doing right now and how perfect our lives would be.  Everything was so perfect when he left that I couldn't have imagined anything better.  There were so many years that we struggled, fought, lived apart and disliked each other, and we strove to work it out and become the people that fell in love 12 years ago.  After everything that we had been through, it was finally working.  We knew what we needed to give each other and what we needed to do to make "it" work.  I never in my life worked that hard for anything.  I can say it was all worth it.  I also wonder if anyone will be worthy of that struggle and hard work.  I need to stop questioning everyone's motive and live for me.
Today I am very happy and yesterday and I was happy as well.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I am at the point where I desire to be the strong person and do something that makes me want to be happy. 

I was selected as a finalist in a magazine short essay of "What is the bravest thing you have done"  It hits home, but has a lot of my story of falling in love again.  It will hurt to read it but I am so lucky to have had the chance at love and experience so many new and exciting things that I can only smile about it and shed a tear or two and then buck up and start on the next phase of my life.

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