7/12/2013

Dwindlings

People talk to me about what I have written in the past and they always say nice, encouraging things to me.  I enjoy talking with them when I have something of significance to write about.  When I am just pulling stuff from my brain to write about, I tend to forget the significance of what my writings will have on other people. 
I am glad that I have an effect on people, in my close circle as well as from people around the United States.  I once received an email from a lady in Oregon who lost their spouse and she was reading my blog and learned my husband died, and related when I talked about mowing the lawn for the first time, how I just sat in the middle of the yard and bawled, yet nothing else brought me to tears.  It is sometimes the small things that have the most profound effect on a person. 
It's almost been two years, and I am at a standstill.  I have no energy to do anything.  I am going to stay in town and mourn him in my own way.  I still have his ashes, the waiting list for Arlington is long and I want everything done right and to the tune of perfection, because that is the way he would have wanted it.  I am not ready to close the door on that part of my life.  By moving his ashes, a part of me will be going with him.  I am not so sure if that is a good thing or not.  I am not ready to deal with those thoughts or feelings.  I enjoy having him around, but not so sure if it is a good thing for my mental health.  No one knows the answers to these things and once he is gone, it's not like I can have him back LOL.  I need to make sure I am ready to do it. 
I received an email from a person, who I have never talked to, in California.  We exchanged emails and talked in confidence of the importance of remembering a spouse and how to move on without harboring such a large amount of guilt.  She read when I would talk about dating and the turmoil I felt with that and how I would keep those feelings to myself and not share them with anyone.  Most of the feelings were of guilt and shame.  If you don't know already I have another blog that I had talked in detail of these issues but did not share them on here because I know many friends and family read this blog and sometimes I enjoy being able to talk to people who do not know who I am .  It makes a lot of what I am dealing with easier.  I can be whomever I want to be and not have to worry about being judged as soon as I walk into a place where I know people.  I enjoy being anonymous and it really helps at times to clear my head.  Anyways, this lady from CA and I talked and she moved from Florida to California to get a fresh start in life about 14 months ago.  Like me, her circle of friends revolved around her husband and it was hard for her to move on and become her own person when people expected her to be the same person she was when she was married.  I totally related to her.  We talked for months.  I found out last week that she passed away.  Her daughter said that she died of a broken heart.  I found out from her daughter that the wife was married for 45 years to her spouse and when she moved to CA she was closer to her children and grandchildren but she never really left the house alone.  I learned that she spent a lot of time online with people that she met and she spoke of me to her daughter often.  Amazing what a few words can do to someone who you do not even know.  I can't imagine what her daughter is going through.  I expressed words of kindness, what else could I have done?
I will always remember that words, no matter who speaks them, affects people you don't even know.  I am honored to have known this person and am thankful that she emailed me when she did.

No comments:

Post a Comment