12/05/2010

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a little girl.
She was a very sad and troubled girl who did not have a good childhood.
Each night she went to bed with sadness and heart ache. Instead of dreaming of barbies and surgarplums she was always dreaming of “what if’s”. What if I was rich, cute, white, pretty, secure, happy.
The little girl absolved to grow up and have lots of children and be able to give them the world. Be able to give all of her childrens things that she could not have in her childhood.
As she grew up, her promise to herself still giving her the strength to continue, she blossomed into an extraordinary young woman.
That young woman got married and tried for years to have children. She wanted to have those children that she dreamt about during her childhood.
She became very despressed and her marriage suffered greatly.
Each time she becamse pregnant she would become so happy and instantly bond with the child growing inside of her. She would start thinking of how blessed that she was. Then after a few weeks or months, for one reason or another she would lose the baby inside of her.
Each time this happened a part of her left with the child.
She was certain that God was punishing her for everything that she did in her younger years, and would become very dispondent to everything and everyone around her.
She became a very mean person and she was not someone you would want to spend time with.
She started surronding herself within walls that no one could climb.
She went to work came home and went to bed.
This went on for months and cost her a large part of her marriage.
Each time she lost a baby the depression would last longer and longer.
When she became pregnant for the sixth time, she didn’t want to feel anything towards this ‘thing’ growing inside of her.
She refused to believe that it was going to thrive inside of her and stay longer enough to live when it was born. She referred to the fetus as a crunch berry. This was the easiest way for her to acknowledge the fetus, without people around her freaking out.
Many people thought that the name was cute, but for the girl it had a hidden meaning, each time a child was lost it felt like the sound of someone crunching a potato chip with their shoe, and the parts were about the size of a berry. Yes, very morbid, but the girl didn’t care about anything and tried not to feel any emotion towards the thing growing inside of her.

Many months had past, and each week after going to the doctor, the doctor would express her delight in the progress the baby would be making inside the womb and she would breath a sigh of relief each time the heart beat was detected. Until the sound was found, the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop in the room.
The girl would hold her breath as well, but she would not tell anyone of her pending excitement of another week that had passed.
She knew what it was like to have signed a death certificate and say goodbye to something that had arms and legs. She did not want to do that again, yet she never gave up trying to have a child.

One morning the girl awoke and realized that if she were to have the baby today, then the baby would live. It would be a rough month or two but it could be able to live. The girl then looked in the mirror, and smiled. She knew she had a fighter inside of her. Sounds like a fairy tale coming to an end, but the clouds parted and the sun shone oh the girl that day, and continued to grow until the baby was ready to be delivered.

After delivering her son, the nurses cleaned him up , wrapped him and handed him to the girl. They both just looked at each other for the longest time. He did not cry or fuss when being delivered, he just stared at the girl with big brown eyes, as if to say, “I made it”. He was a handsome healthy infant
As the first few weeks went by she would not leave his side. The girl would wake up in the middle of the night and just look at him for hours. She was so pruod of him, so proud that he made it. She was so happy, something that she had never felt before, even on her wedding day. She breathed air of a different scent, she focused on lights that were never there. She was living a life that she could only dream about for so long. The girl was happy enough to try and fix her marriage. They did try for a few years, but that was something that was lost in the fire. She was not sad, for she had her son and that was all that mattered.

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