3/18/2011

Blunt and honest

I haven’t been me for the past few days. I have been shocked, rocked and everything in between. I have always loved being a mother and also have believed in a deeper being. Now is when I need that perspective to keep going, and alive.

My son has his own agenda. He is 18 and a senior and seems to think that he knows all of the answers, his life has been horrible and nothing can make him come back to the house.
My son moved out, and left nothing but chaos in his path

I was hurt beyond words and haven’t slept much lately. I lay there thinking of what he says, wondering if he is right. I lay there thinking about my childhood and how horrible it was, how scary it was, how I was running away when I was ten years old because I was so scared. I learned from my experiences and wanted to ensure when I had children, I was not the same mother.

I turned out to be a pretty good mother. Yes, I had made mistakes along the way, but as we both grew I learned so much about myself. I was stronger than I thought I was
He had everything he needed, and never went to bed hungry or with lashes on his back. He never went to bed wondering if his mother was going to beat the crap out of him tomorrow for leaving a dish in the sink or for some other trivia reason.

I used my strength to raise him as best I could. Obviously it wasn’t enough but
Right now, I need that strength.

I need strength to not take to heart what my son yells at me, how we destroyed his life and made it hell for the past ten years. Those of you who know me, know I take things personally and I wear my feelings on my sleeve when it comes to my family.

I need the strength to tell my husband that it is not his fault, I need to find the strength to stand by his side and support him.

I need the strength to not beg my son to come home and I will make it all better.

It’s not a boo boo, where I can kiss it and his tears stop flowing and a smile appears.
It’s not a heartbreak where I can listen to him, offer my advice and bake him a cake.

It is so much worse.

Everyone tells me that all teenagers go through this. I thought my teenager was different. We all think our children are different.

I just wonder when he will realize that life is not easy, and that he must ask forgiveness for his mistakes, as we all do.
I hope by then it won’t be too late to mend broken fences that have been whirled into the wind and broken into a million pieces.
I hope by then that my husband will let him back in.
Even more, though moms are supposed to say I love you forever and like you for always, is that so easy to do?

If this is the person that he is becoming, what have I done wrong?
And again I lay in bed wondering where exactly I screwed up. Many of you say nowhere, all kids go through this…
Just last week my son was saying how great everything was and how happy he was.

Today he has told me he has been unhappy for ten years. I think more of it is he has had to follow directions, rules and face responsibilities for the past ten years. He says that he got blamed for everything. He did. But he deserved to be blamed and many times we should have been stronger on him.

Maybe that’s what I didn’t do. I wasn’t strong enough for him. I wish I could start over.

It will all be better in the morning.

I’m in a good place just reflecting…
I think

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