10/19/2012

A New Beginning

I often wonder when the "right" time is.
I havent written for almost a year. Things were very stagnant and I hit a low in my life and nothing was happy or sunny or funny enough to write about. I basically crawled under a rock for awhile until it was time to go out at night, in which I drownded my sorrows, went home, lather rinse repeat, you get the jist of it all.

I went on a trip to the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee for a photo trip. There were 6 of us and many of us had extensive knowledge of our camera with the exception of, yours truly!! I loved the landscape and the area, and in fact looked athouses there as well. The people I was with were all very different. There was a retired male doctor from Dallas who insisted on always talking and if he was not interested in what you were talking about, he would change the subject right in the middle of someone else's sentence. There was another gentleman who was afraid of heights. Umm, we were in the mountains, going hiking and there were cliffs. This fear, kept us from going on a few great hikes. Another older gentleman was very nice and I have nothing bad to say about him. His wife was coming out at the end of the week and they were planning a trip into Pigeon Forge. There was also a lady and her daughter on the trip as well. The mother was nice, but the daughter had a really high pitched voice, all of themen were enthralled with the energy she had and basically it was awful. I will definately look for a younger group if I do this again. The instructor was afraid to let us go walking on our own for the fear of one ofthe olderpeople falling down and breaking something. Getting lost as well. I know I get lost soof course I stayed a little close untilIgot comfortable with the surroundings and then you just had to watch out for baby cubs. Cuz where there are baby cubs, if your around you better start looking for one pissed off mamma.

I had a wonderful time in the mountains and learned a lot about my camera, met a few people whom I would never talk to again and I used that to my benefit. Yes, I was that person, who was always late, who forgot things and who never wanted to join in the reindeer games HAH. I did however have my own coffee pot in my room that I brought from home, so I was in heaven. I also had my own car and would venture out into the small towns in the area and check them out... yea, I was that person ahah.

I also drove all the way out to California by myself. I took my time driving out there, listening to music and reflecting while I drove. The nights were amazing, many times I would pull over and just watch the stars in the sky and promised never to take advantage of the nighttime sky ever again. I stopped in Kansas, Utah, Arizona, Nevada, and then finally California.

I stopped to have my oil changed in California and met this really young couple who just got married, they saw my license plates and were amazing at me for driving the long distance. When I explained to them why and how I was trying to view my life they understood and wished me luck in my endevors. I stayed at a hotel at the beach and it was also amazing. The overcast was dreary but the smell of the Pacific Ocean was something I was craving without realizing it. Once I smelled the ocean and put my feet in the sand, I was calm for the first time in a long time. I didn't stay long, a family emergency back home made me drive straight through back to Virginia. Everything turned out to be fine, and I then slept the most I had slept since Brian died. I slept for 3 days. I woke up refreshed and with the same calmness as I felt at the beach.

I then found the gym. I was able to spend all day there if I wanted to and no one knew me or my story. I didn't have to deal with awkward stares or questions. I could do what I wanted and I did. I am now addicted to running again, something I havent been doing since I lived in San Diego. I started doing things that made me happy without feeling guilty. I started playing pool more and in fact this season I am in two leagues. I really enjoy it,even though it is not improving my game at all. Bryant is doing fine and I thinking starting to live his life again instead of worrying about me all of the time.

I did quit working at MITRE. I loved my job but I was missing something. I missed the joy of being around children. I really missed teaching and the smiles and looks of success from children. I wanted to get back into the education field. I took some time off to take care of some personal stuff and ensure that this career change was what I really wanted to do, since the change also came with a huge pay cut. I really wasn't looking at the money anymore. I wanted to be happy and smile every day. When I was teaching in San Diego, it was fun and the children were so alive and happy. They knew what to do in order to make themselves happy and sometimes I wish adulthood was as easy as being a child.
Just a small update.

I promise I will start writing more about this past year. I am going to spend some time reflecting on the past 6 months and remember what I have learned in the process and just smile more.

I still miss him, it doesn't hurt as much. I keep busy and try to better myself whenever I can.

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