Armed with Cheesecake and Vodka, World Watch Out, I'm Back!

Right from the start You were a thief You stole my heart And I your willing victim I let you see the parts of me That weren't all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them

People talk to me about what I have written in the past and they always say nice, encouraging things to me.  I enjoy talking with them when I have something of significance to write about.  When I am just pulling stuff from my brain to write about, I tend to forget the significance of what my writings will have on other people.  I am glad that I have an effect on people, in my close circle as well as from people around the United States.  I once received an email from a lady in Oregon who lost their spouse and she was reading my blog and learned my husband died, and related when I talked about mowing the lawn for the first time, how I just sat in the middle of the yard and bawled, yet nothing else brought me to tears.  It is sometimes the small things that have the most profound effect on a person.  It's almost been two years, and I am at a standstill.  I have no energy to do anything.  I am going to stay in town and mourn him in my own way....

I watched closely as the shooting star, made me think of how great you are, It goes through the nightsky, And shows me I am one lucky guy, It goes behind the moon and hides, To conceal it's feelings behind closed eyes, The moon begins to fall, Behind the earths large wall The sun shows up and brightens the day, But all the good thoughts go away, It shows the outer beauty of you, But at night you see the inner beauty which is true, I was surprised to know you want me, Because I thought another guy was higher up in the tree, Thinking you would see him before me But it ends up me being your baby, I could never harm a girl as kind, Honest, Loving and always comes to mind, Walking through the woods, Shows me life cannot be this good, But it ends up showing dreams can be true And now we are held together with glue, You make my mind spin by day and turn at night and gives me the thoughts to determine what's right, You have me spinning by a thread, I get dizzy an...

Proud of it too... Okay so after Brian died I wanted to go places where no one knew me, no one gave me those funny looks and where I could do whatever I wanted because... well because I could. I went to the Blue Ridge Mountains for a photo trip.  The trip was organized by a photographer that I found on Facebook, no I did not troll around on Craigslist.  He seems to know what he was doing and I thought this would be the perfect chance to get away and learn something about my camera and meet some new people.  I scheduled the trip and each time I spoke with the group leader on the phone he sounded weird.  I don't want to label people, but he was an Odd Thomas.  I was scared but I also knew I had a safe hotel room and I had my car so I could leave if I needed to... which I did, but more on that later... So I start my long drive to Pigeon Forge, by leaving my house at 5 am.  The drive was amazing and since it was light out, I didn't stress out too...

I have been in a haze for the past few weeks that I can only compare to when Brian died.  Over the past year I have loved and cared about someone and it ended.  It was my first love after Brian and I experienced many firsts with this person.  He made me happy when no one else could and he also could make me very mad at a moments notice.  Sounds like any other relationship huh? I had a hard time letting go, I was devastated.  I almost felt the same as when Brian died.  Not as intense but clearly a mile marker for me.  I had work to keep me busy and threw myself into it and was never home.  I finally broke all ties with him and I am starting to lift myself up with ease.  I no longer look at my phone longing someone to call me.  I make the calls to the friends that I have.  Does it make sense that I don't want this person to leave my life yet I cannot stand to talk to him right now?  I do not hate him, that is not the reasoning ...