5/13/2014

A side of bacon


I was told today that I was missed.  Someone missed my writing.  It’s nice to hear once in a while.  I am sure that they are just sitting at their computer screen, nearing the end of the internet and remembered that chick Jessica who had some funny things to say as well as run on sentences. 

I miss writing.

I miss cooking.

I have missed so much and I am still waiting for the day where I wake up and everything is right in the world.  Well, mainly my world.  I know life is what you make of it and I haven’t been doing a good job at all.  Things and friends have fallen to the curb.  It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I had cared too much and I don’t want to get hurt anymore when people leave or die.  Childish thinking I know, but it is mine right now.   Everything is passing me by right now.  I’m ok with it.  Baby steps.

Some days I want to move far away where no one knows me.  I have done that in the past, and everyone wound up knowing me. 
I tell myself that I am done with this pity party, but I can’t seem to get past the final chapter.  I wish that there was a rule book, not that I would follow it either.  I have tried a few books, a few groups and a doctor.  Nothing really worked.  I switched doctors and now that all the chemo is out of my system with the exception of one BC drug that I will take forever, it is time to get my meds under control before I start shopping online again.  It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t really felt spiffy enough to jump up and down and streak around my neighborhood naked.  Honestly I think I would do it if I felt like it, just to feel alive.

 

Okay so enough with the pity party crap.  My Step Daughter is about to burst with my first grandchild.  Any day now.  I keep a bag packed and the cars gas tank is on full.  I am ready and waiting for the phone call.  To hold a baby in my arms and just have some unconditional love is the best medicine out there.

 

My son is expecting his first child with his girlfriend in November.  How exciting it is for me.  I have all of these exciting and memorable things happening all around me and I feel like I am moving like a snail, in a fog, with a mask on and no bacon.  His girlfriend and her two kids moved into my house.  I enjoy having the noises around.  It has been interesting and I am sure poor Tabs has been trying to define all of my moods since she got there.  Good luck with that, I am still discovering a few under the couch cushions.  I have moved most of my stuff to the basement and a friend has built me a closet.  Its huge J.  I think it is the biggest closet that I have ever owned.  I can house a million skeletons in this one.  The kids call me Ms Jessica or MiMi.  I don’t care what they call me as long as they know that I love them and I want them to hang around at the house.  The house is not big enough for all of us, plus a dog and a cat.  It should be interesting when the baby comes and starts crawling around all over the place.  I will want to move out by then.   OMG

 

I have this friend.  This friend has stuck by me through everything that has been going on.  Supported me through doctors’ appointments and chemo and surgery.  That friend has been a part of my life for a long time and I do not go a day without talking.  Well every so often like every 3 weeks I turn into this major asshole and I am mean.  I can admit it, while all of you internet peeps are perfect wives and friends to each other, I am a horrible friend.  I admit for the past two years I have been evil and every which way.  I don’t know what to do.  Everytime I see one of my friends I think of Brian.  It’s hard.  I can’t deal with it. It’s so hard. I try, not hard enough I admit.  I have no idea what to do.  I am seriously thinking of moving away so I can get away from Brian’s life.  I can’t find my own life and it is exhausting. 

No comments:

Post a Comment