Darkness wins

Sometimes I lay in bed and think of all of the "what if's"

It's a dangerous game, I know.

It makes me sad yet I keep on doing it. 
I want to be happy so much.
People do not realize how hard it is to be happy.
Yeah you can make yourself me happy and you are your own destiny and you are in charge of making yourself happy.
Some would say that I am dwelling and I need to get over it.
But people who know me know this is not the case.
When I am around other people I am happy, smiling and play well with others.

It's when I go home.
I lay down
The walls shrink and close it
I feel the darkness impede on me like a drug washing over me and taking control
I can't close the door fast enough for the darkness not to enter
I feel it and become emmersed in the bath
There is no running away
No jumping in my car and taking off
No calling someone to get out of the hole

It just takes over and I allow it
Sometimes I welcome it

Then 4 hours have gone by and I don't know where I went

I allow it to control me

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