Run On Sentences

Being an adult is so complicated.  Each day something new is coming and the decisions to be made that have an effect on the entire household is daunting. 

Making all of these decisions is tiresome.  Yesterday and today I went on Craigslist and just picked a state and city to see what was there.  Kind of like throwing a dart at a map of the United States and moving there.  I just want to make a new life.  I should feel grateful for all that I have.

So why do I want to run away from it all?

I miss sharing my life with someone.  I miss having someone to come home to and to talk to.  I miss spending time with someone I care about and just lay with them.  Granted I miss the sex too, I would be lying if I said I didn't, but I miss knowing I always have someone on my side no matter how bad I screw up.

So then I get this idea in my head, "If I move somewhere else, where no one knows me, I can reinvent myself and find the perfect match to my 1 sock"

Problem is, I already had my perfect match.  No matter how much we fought and whatever we went through I know that he loved me more than anything in the world.  I was spoiled by him and had everything I wanted within reason.  He was my reasoning.  With him I didn't need someone to send me an allowance each month to pay my bills.  I had him watching over me, protecting me and pushing me to always be better and want more with my life.

I feel that if I move the decisions that I make will decrease, be smaller and be much more fun.  I know that isn't the case, but whenever times get tough I run.  I doubt I will ever change, it is my fighting tool.  So many times I have wanted to just leave.  Move to a state that I have never lived in and just relax, breathe and meet people.

It's not working out so well.  Instead of getting easier it is getting harder.  I don't know if it is my fault but I just can't get out of this rut I am in.  I don't know how to get out of it.  I have tried everything.  I even accept defeat and let the sadness take over and become depressed for days and weeks.  I'm not wanting a pity party, it's just that I have no idea anymore.

I tried drinking all of the time, that was okay as long as I was drunk.. but the trying to get home, and the bar tab really told me not to drink as much haha. 

I drove to California, that was perfect, I was able to think, see the world and stumble on places that Brian and I stopped at on our way to VA from CA.  but if you remember, I had to drive back to VA ASAP because of a family emergency.  With Driving home so fast and under stress, I forgot all of the memories I remembered driving out there, and the peace and calmness I felt.  While driving through Colorado I felt perfect, like I was just drifting around and was complacent.  I want to feel like that again.  Very few things have giving me that emotion. 

I dated. That was a good thing, but I think it was the wrong time.  That's okay though, it worked at the time and made me happy for a year.  Hopefully the friendship that came out of that will last a lifetime. 

After each word I type I think of packing a box, moving, it's eating me alive.  I wonder at times if I am just daring my self to see if I still have the courage to just leave.  If it wasn't for my friend I would have moved 6 months ago.  He has kept me planted, keeping me here when I just want to blow off the world and run away and I think at times I resent him for that.  This makes me yell at him and treat him like shit.  Yet, when he is not in my life I feel even worse, like a part of me died.  I turned over a new leaf though and vowed to myself that I am never going to travel down that road again.  This last time really scared me.  I thought for sure he was never going to talk to me again.  I was an emotional wreck, but it was my own fault.  I am thinking that this moving thing I am putting in my head is the same thing and if I do move, I am going to get to my destination and realize how much I really screwed things up.

I have talked to doctors, tried a lot of medications that I do not think helped at all.  I am manic bipolar and not on meds right now and that scares me as well.  I feel that I am going to go home and spend every single dollar in my bank account or go to the store and buy 10 different boxes of cereal.  I have to get back on a med that actually work and doesn't make me gain weight.  I want to feel normal and I also wonder if the no meds thing is the real reason why I feel so numb.

Its almost been three years since Brian died.  I think of him and miss him every single day.  Once I start thinking of him I start crying.  When I am alone I cannot think of him and not cry.  It's been three years and it feels like it was yesterday sometimes.  I don't know when it starts to feel better or when I will start sleeping without the TV on. 

I can't sit in one spot for too long, I can't sit and concentrate on 1 thing.  I can't read a book anymore, or if I do I have three books that I have started. 
I can't concentrate even on a recipe so I can bake. 
I don't like being alone, yet I can't get my ass out of the house.
I do the bare minimum that I have to.  I do not go out of my way for anyone or anything right now. 
Every day when I wake up and realize that I feel the same way as I did the day before, I just want to roll over, go back to sleep and hope when I wake up I will feel better. 
I go through periods that I over indulge or do a million things that I have wanted to do.  I will spend way too much money or too much time at the gym. 
This is the first time in a long time that I actually concentrated on a long letter and typed it. 
I bought a dog thinking that she would get me out of the house and explore and meet new people.
We go to doggie park when the weather is nice, then home and watch tv for the rest of the day.

When I watch tv I have realized that I have to watch the same episode a few times before I can saw I have watched the entire thing.  I will be watching what is a repeat, and remember the beginning, yet do not remember anything else that happened in the episode.  It's like I zone out for 26 minutes and only really see 4 minutes of a 30 minute program. 

I think I am going to see someone next week to talk to and get on some medication.  I need to stop wasting my life away and concentrate on getting better.

And so I write.

1 comment:

  1. I just found your blog.So sorry for your loss.I hope you start to feel better. 😀😀
    It must be really hard for you right now but life will get better.take it one day at a time.