7/21/2014

You always said I lived in a fairy tale world. that's because you treated me like a Queen

You taught me how to be nice and look for the good in people.
You showed me that not all people are mean.
You told me that you would always protect me and make me feel wanted.

You and I were together for 12 years.  
In that time we fought, oh we fought bad.  Not knock down, drag out fights, but our words would sting and one of us was going to be sleeping on the couch, while the other one, usually you, would continue to come down the stairs to try to get the argument going again.  To throw another twig in the fire.  I was always the one to cry all night and stay in the basement and just want it all to be over.  we would usually be fine by the next day and all was good in the world again and you would show me love that I never thought could be found and I would make sure that you were taken care of.

I remember the first time I cooked for you.  Chicken and broccoli fettuccine.  Some thing with cauliflower, and maybe a dessert.  Every time I went to your house you had top ramen, my favorite green apples and buttery microwave popcorn.  See you had yourself on this budget and you were trying to get all of your bills paid off.  We ate a lot of Top Ramen.  I didn't mind because the company was the best.

You and I would test each other to no end and I know that no matter what you love me.  No matter what you did, you loved me.  A lot.  I loved you too.  You always saved me.  A lot of times, you saved me from myself.  I don't care what anyone knows or what anyone says.  You cared about me more than any one else ever will.

It's been hard.   The first two years you were gone I was either drugged up or drunk.  This year I will be sober.  Not sure how that is going to make me feel.  I figure once I get through this, everything else will be fine.  I have been through a lot.  But I am going through so much more trying to find myself in all of this mess.  I am a different person now.  I can do whatever I want and I have all of this freedom, but all I want is to have that safe feeling that I had when you were alive.  I question things all of the time.  I know that I am not the same, nor will ever be that person who was married to you.

It sucks.

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