4/29/2017

It's Been a Moment

I don't really know why I am starting to post again. I think my overall goal is to finish writing my book so I can start on my second book. Part fiction, part truths, it will look at my life as an adopted child. One who wanted questions answered her entire life, and rebelled when the answers weren't there. It is a hard road, I questioned why my mother adopted me, if all along she was going to use me as a punching bag to humiliate and torture for years. I questioned why she adopted me if she wasn't going to give me the best life, since she wasn't going to come to a single sporting event I was a part of. I was honestly surprised that she showed to up my graduation and actually had a get together for me afterwards. I did put her through the ringer growing up. I challenged each word she said and I really tested her strength and conviction. I purposely did not talk to her for years because I wanted to hurt her.



Now, it all doesn't matter.
Now, I will live with the guilt of having treated her so badly,
Now, I will feel the guilt of her dying alone, without an I love you, a hug, a touch. She must have felt so alone at that moment. I try to justify it by telling myself of all the years I felt alone and unwanted. The years I spent questioning myself of why I was really here. Why I was treated so badly growing up. I finally had the key to unlocking the answers I was looking for my entire life, when she died. But that key has remained hidden. I think now it is time to start unlocking doors, and finding the answers I have spent my whole life in turmoil for. I want to document it, with tears as well as laughter I hope to finally find a person who looks like me, who has my eyes, who has a sarcastic personality as I do. I know I didn't get that personality from my adoptive mother. I am going to avoid any confusing by labeling my mother as my adoptive mother and Jane an my biological mother.

The Beginning -
 The contents of her briefcase came on a rainy day. I remember the weather being cold to the bone, with rain. It was as gloomy as my feelings. I signed for the box and took it inside the house. I sat down looking at this box for almost 30 minutes before opening it. I remembered my mother telling me all of her important papers and jewelry would be in a briefcase behind her door if anything ever happened to her. It was like the grand prize. My mother died a month after her birthday due to some complications from surgery. I was planning on flying out and spending time with her. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten and once she was in ICU, dying, I couldn't get myself to go and see her. It wasn't a selfish move, it was more that I didn't want to see her weak and connected to machines. I had to pull the plug with her doctor over the phone. They called me at 7:00 pm on a Thursday. They told me that time was limited and what I wanted to do. I told them to go ahead and make her as comfortable as possible and to allow her to die peacefully.

When I hung up the phone, I didn't cry. I just took a pill and went to sleep. I didn't know what else to do. I was in shock. We just said goodbye to my mother in law, and it was just too much. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was scared and I just couldn't anymore. I reached my breaking point. I went to sleep. I don't remember how much sleep I got, I just remember the phone ringing around 5:00 am waking me up. I answered the phone, the 619 area code telling me who it was and what the phone call was about. She was gone. My mother was dead. I hung up the phone and just sat there on the bed. I eventually got dressed for work, and went to work. I didn't tell anyone, they wouldn't believe me. I had my mother in law just a week prior have a stroke, so I had to take off of work to go and see her, came back to work for 1 day, got my son, we drove back up to see my mother in law and say good bye.
While driving home from New York, my son and I both were getting calls from 619 area code in regards to my mother. Back to back deaths. NO one would believe me after everything else I had been though. I just kept my mouth shut and went to work. At noon, my boss called me into his office and told me I Was being laid off. What a way to end the week. I was numb, showed no emotion, gathered my stuff and walked out to my car. I went home and that was the first time I took a pain pill to ease my mental pain and it felt really good.

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