11/22/2011

Lordy, it has been awhile

I think of writing often, but then I forget the premise, the reason and the passion that I once had to write daily. Today I noticed the mistakes I have started to make in grammar and in spelling. I NEED to continue to write.
I find myself spending more time and effort on the task at hand, rather than throwing the halfway done task out the window. The money spent to fix what I have started is enough to help diminish the feeling of "let's paint the entire house two colors" manicsode. That is what I call them now, manicsodes.
I feel that this is a good thing, yet there are still times that I will just break down and zone out. This does not last as long and I am glad. Someone told me recently make sure to take time for me, and do what I want to do.
I do miss writing, I miss continuing an education and I miss the moments that come naturally to me. Yes, I do still brush my teeth, thank you very much.

This week is filled with holiday smells and people running through the rain with filled gocery carts and lists of supplies a mile long. I have been yelling at myself to remember my camera so I can capture the tell tale signs of stress, happiness and loneliness in the people I walk passed.
I went to check the mail today and swore I could smell apple pie in the air. On the way back to the house, a waft of sweet potato tantalized my nostrils and made my mouth water.
I did buy a turkey, I have not cooked one in over a year so it will be memorable. I usually will cook one for Easter or when there is a chill in the air. I will then cook turkey soup and turkey salad, and take the cold out of the walls.
I sent Bryant to the store today, with a partial list so he would problem solve and try to figure out what I needed. He did pretty good, following up with about ten text messages. When he came home I realized I need to take him to the produce section and show him how not to pick out soft tomato's and brown leaf lettuce. Thank the Lord we were eating BLT's for dinner tonight and not this weekend.
I think I will start hiring him out!

9/28/2011

Some say writing is good. I do not know what to say.

They say that it is good to write.
It is good to write your feelings especially if one cannot express feelings to another. It helps to open the soul, help to heal, remember the good times, and reflect on the bad. I try to write every day, but most days I delete the things that I write, since I know other’s will read and feel the sadness in my heart. The sadness is one of the only things I have and at times I do not want to share the sadness, I want to keep it inside and countdown until I can go home, lay in bed and let out the sadness so no one can hear.

I feel that I must stay strong for the people around me. I want others to see my as strong, that I can take care of myself and that I will survive. They do not need to know the truth of what really is going on in my heart and soul. Sometimes it seems like a battle. Not necessarily of good and evil but of love and guilt. I lay awake at night thinking of everything we had planned to do, how we were going to live and the memories we were going to make. I miss the late night talks with him the most of all. We would go to bed and face each other and talk of the future and what lies ahead for us. We would talk of our jobs, our goals and accomplishments. I miss those talks and I wish I could share with him the accomplishments I had already achieved while we are apart. I know he is here, watching me, but I want him closer. I feel guilty that I am the one who must live out the dreams we carved late at night, I feel guilty that I will be the one to hold our grandchildren, while telling them what a wonderful man and father he was.

I lay awake wishing he was lying next to me. Sometimes I do feel him, laying there and I do not move as not to upset the universe or molecular structure of the presence I feel. I just wish he would say something to help me heal, to help the guilt go away. The guilt of knowing he won’t be here to experience life with me as we planned. The bedtime stories he won’t be able to tell his grandchildren, the stories of his grandmother, and plans to go to Disneyland. Things we were going to experience together, travels we were going to embark on all over the world. I want him to know that I think of him each and every day, and I cry for him, each and every day.

When I would experience something while with him, it would feel like a brand new outlook on life or the experience. I had been to Vegas a few times and had fun, but when Brian took me, I had the time of my life and all of the night lights that I experienced that first night in Vegas with him is one night I will never forget. This feeling I felt was the reason we married in Vegas.

I remember good times each and every day, then a haunting reminder of phones calls and last emails shared brings tears to my eyes. I wipe them away fast, so not to bring others, and go back to thinking of the good thoughts. These past few years have felt so gratifying there are no words to describe our relationship. There were so many turbulent times, yet all was forgotten, while we rediscovered ourselves and fell in love all over again.
The hard work and struggle was so worth it in the end. We loved each other, and our love was stronger like no other. We worked for our relationship each and every day. It was hard, then again, when it comes easy, that’s when you stop trying.

It has been two months since he passed on. I feel like it was yesterday, and I wish I had just one more day to spend with him. I hate the fact that life goes on around me, and I am expected to keep up. Sometimes I fall flat on my face, and that’s when my friends pick me up, dust me off and point me to the correct path. That is all fine and dandy, but I am tired of people pointing me. I want to make my own path and basically run away from everything and never come back. I know how to run away from my problems, I have done it many times in life. I was told I could not do that right now. Soon, but not right now. I am holding on to those words and waiting. I spent time sitting and dwelling over him, crying, thinking and suffering. I also spent time asking all of the questions and not coming up with any answers. If I did have just one more day with him, I could lie and say I would spend it laying there with him, but in reality, that is not what he wanted to do. He was always on the go and never was the type to have a jammie day! I don’t know what he would want to do, but if I do get the chance I will ask him.

His clothes in the closet do not smell like him anymore. At the beginning I would lock myself in my room and wrap myself in his shirts, hoping to never lose the smell of him, in the morning, right before he would wipe his cologne filled hands all over the dogs face. I only have his smell in my memories now. I bought some of his cologne, so I could spray it on a pillow and smell it at night. I haven’t done that for a few days, this does not mean I have accepted it. I smell the inside of his wallet, pick the dead moths and cobwebs out of the way, and laugh at the reminder that all of his money was in his front pocket the day he passed. A weird thing to laugh at, yes I know. Those of you who knew him know what I am taking about.

The hardest part so far was going back to work. We would talk to each other multiple times during the day. I would call him on my way to work, and throughout the day we would talk via phone and email. On the way home we would talk as well. One would think that we would run out of things to talk about, but we loved talking and learned it was very important in a relationship. Driving to work, and not being able to call him, or having my phone at work remain silent throughout the day is the hardest and it really hurts so much. Who am I going to tell all of this stuff too? Well, obviously I haven’t really had much to talk about. I had my 5 year anniversary at work, and an award presented to me. The first person I wanted to call was him, but when I picked up the phone I remembered he wasn’t there to call. Yes, I know he was there but that is really no consolation.

Last night I walked in the basement and turned on the light. The lights did not come on. I turned the switch off and then back on, while looking at both of the lights thinking how crazy it was to have them both go off at the same time. I walked back upstairs and cleaned for a while then going back to the basement I turned the light switch that was upstairs instead of the downstairs, and the lights came on. I was shocked to say the least. I went downstairs and tried that switch and it worked. I am thinking since the basement was Brian’s favorite place to relax and watch tv that he was trying to just pop in and say hello. I asked him to send me a message. When he was alive we would talk about death and how he wasn’t allowed to die before me, because I truly felt that I couldn’t live without him in my life. I told him that he had to haunt me and come and say hello, and I said that I would haunt him all of the time. I wonder all the time now, what is in store for me. I wonder when my clock will stop ticking and when it will be time for me to go. I wonder if I will ever see him again in another life and if he will recognize me when my soul departs from this earth. I hold on to the thought that I will indeed see him again and be a part of his soul once more. Some days this thought is the only thing that gets me out of bed and moving for the day.

I can’t really think of the future right now. Like I said, I feel stagnant while everyone else is pushing forward.

9/24/2011

Get a tattoo or stand in a beehive. You choose!

I started by telling everyone I was going to get a tattoo for my fortieth birthday. Deep down I wanted one but the idea of someone sticking needles in my skin over and over scared the living crap out of me.
I had seen many nice designs and wanted something that represented my son and my husband. I finally decided with friends help that it was going to be a bee, like the honey nut cheerios bee. The B would represent the initial of their first name.
I remember when my husband and I were dating we finally made the huge step of moving in together, the similarity of their names would confuse us all. After weeks of chaos and the men ignoring me when I would call them, we finally decided to call my son Little B and my husband Big B. When I was mad and ready to yell out my son's name, I would always blurt out the name of my husband, which would make them both wonder who I was really calling and usually upsetting my son, with him saying that I do not remember his name, and my husband telling me I was easily confused. This went on for years and still continued after being married for 10 years, but then I would also include the name of the dog as well as the cat when yelling for one of the boys.
The nickname though ensued for the both of them until my son starting edging out my husband in height and weight. Little B was soon standing over Big B and Little B wanted more than ever to hold the Big B title. Instead of letting them fight to the death for the renaming convention I figured it was time to take a minute and actually remember the correct name and using proper enunciation when calling one of them. And that never happened. Thankfully it only happened when I was angry and not while the husband and I were enjoying alone time.

This was where the B originated from.
The Bee was funny in itself, since I was deathly afraid of bees. Mind you, I was not allergic to them, but they scared the life out of me and brought tears to the people around me because they would be laughing at me so hard watching me trying to get away from the bee.
I would see the bee and of course the bee would then see me, veer off course sensing my fear and start towards me, it would turn and make a 'bee' line straight for me. I would shriek and then my body would do contortions that are not for the faint of heart. I could have easily surpassed a yoga master when trying to get away from the bee without moving my feet. I would sway and dip and move my waist, as well as my neck and do this little dance, all the while no one would help me get this bee away from me because they were too busy laughing and could not move.
During this time, the bee never touched me, it was like we were having foreplay, the bee would do his dance, trying to imitate what I was doing, while I was trying my best to dodge his stinger. When my feet finally figured out what the hell I was trying to get away from they would finally obey and I would go running, arms flaying while the bee followed me.
When my son was little I would also having him freaking out at my reaction and running down the street arms flaying screaming for his life. There was a period in his life that I thought he might have a little flavor in his step, but once he started hanging out with men and in sports all of those ideas were squashed.
I still freak out to this day and when I see a bee, wasp, hornet, wood bee, anything that moves faster than I do. I let out this soundless scream that everyone can hear and I wind up freaking out those closest to me. I do not do this on purpose, but I know I pissed off my best friend once by doing this, because when she hears that noise she knows to stop, drop and roll and at times, it isn't pleasant to see a 40 year old rolling around thrashing and flaying on the ground. I also make this same noise when my husband would get too close to the car in front of us, which almost ruined all of our road trips. Now I just bury my head in a book and do not look up.
Anyways, I figured I would put a tattoo on my bucket list since I do not want to stand in an area around swarming bees. I love the honey, but do not want to take any part in helping them make the honey. So I voted for tattoo.
Still, with wanting a tattoo and getting the actual tattoo was a chore. I would always bring this up with friends when I was drinking and tried to get others to join me, I would convince them to do it with me, while they were drinking and I know that they remembered something because I would never get a call the next day confirming what we discussed the night before.
I never did get a tattoo for my birthday. I was too scared.

I wound up getting the tattoo a few days after my husbands funeral. This was not the way it was supposed to happen. My son, stepdaughter and I went to get memorial tattoos on our body. My son already had a tattoo as well as my stepdaughter, so I was the tattoo virgin. We walked in the shop, and I immediately saw all of the different designs on the wall. I tell the kids that I wanted to go first so I wouldn't see anyone in pain and chicken out. With the help of one of the people that worked there, we discussed what I wanted and she put it in motion, something really simple and sweet. We choose the wrist, so I could see it and that was it. Stepdaughter and the son picked theirs out and we had to lie so
Ashley needed parental consent in order to get hers since she was not 18, but hey I was the awesome Stepmother of all time and we all were a little bit crazy during those days, so we showed Ashley's military id and I signed for her. I think I would have bungee jumped if I thought it would make me feel better.

I went to the back room, and the man started doing my tattoo on my wrist. I was waiting for the hurting to start but he was too busy watching his television and making me squirm a bit before he started. I turned my head so I couldn't see what was happening, and I felt the pain the entire time. I then knew that all of what happened these past few weeks was not a dream and that I was already awake and alone. I cried, no longer numb.
After the tattoo healed it looks nice and simple. I knew I would not be ashamed as a grandmother, telling the kids that the name on my wrist is the love of my life and no one can ever replace the love and friendship that he gave to me every day.
I got my tattoo and am already thinking of my next one.

8/23/2011

When I first met you, I noticed your eyes. They were blue and intense.
When I first talked to you, I noticed your smile. your smile was natural and you had dimples.
When I first was kissed by you, I noticed myself melting.
When you first held me close, I noticed time standing still.
When we married, I knew I wanted you for the rest of my life.
When I said I wanted to die a day before you, so I did not have to live without you in my life, I meant it. You kissed me and proceeded to discuss our son or daughters latest antics.

Throughout the years I felt very special and we were always close. Yes, we had our times but I would be more worried if we did not argue and yell. Each of us, being hard headed would not let the other person win, regardless of who was right or wrong. I loved the passion that I felt with you. Passion with work, home, family, love, and me, you always had so much to give. I loved the new experiences I had with you. Las Vegas, camping, flying to Buffalo, moving cross country, skiing, New Orleans, Jack in the Box after The Library. I remember seeing you in your Senior Chief uniform (swoon) then in your officer uniform (swoon again)! You would change your shoulder boards so often I could not keep up with the advancements. You were amazing in the military. I knew you missed it so much.
I feel all of these memories and try my best to remember more.

For that is all I have now.

The smell of your shaving cream.
Me scaring you in the shower.
The smell of your cologne.
The smell of your deodorant, which I did not like at all, but would give my soul to smell it on you again.



When I last saw you on Sunday, I was upset with you, but seeing you trying to sit up and talk to me, was enough for me to come over and kiss you goodbye. I came back and gave you another kiss and tried to be short with you when I told you to have crabs for breakfast. I then left you for the week.

Every night we talked and we said, "Goodnight and I love you". Each night I went to bed, content and thinking of you, a bit sad that I had a huge bed with a million pillows to myself. I was anxious to finish the week and meet you down south for a weekend of fun, friends and an amazing time.

I am mad at times, wondering why you had to go. We had so many plans.

8/22/2011

Attack of the Weedwacker

Brian usually took care of the outside of the house. One of his many nicknames was "Harry Homeowner". Now that I have to do everything, I decided to get some fresh air (anyone feel the humidity lately?) and weedwack the front yard. The last time I was outside walking Daisy, I looked at all of the other yards and they were all in a state of perfection. I looked at my yard, and saw how my entire life felt in a small parcel of grass. It looked devilish and unkempt and in need of a trim. I grabbed the rake and the weedwacker from the shed, once I checked for wasps, bees, and anything else moving faster than I do.
I took everything out front, getting a little giddy on the inside since I was going to be playing with a type of power tool.

I first had to rake, about 30 minutes I had a large bag of leaves collected and my back already hurt and I was tired. I looked at the weed whacker and wasn't so giddy inside, maybe a little sick to my stomach. I took a break and hydrated myself.

I went back outside and started balding, I mean weed whacking the grass.

It was bad.
I think I will be hiring someone to do this for me.

I am the cook and cleaner, not the lawnmower man...

Baby Steps

I think I have cooked twice in 3 weeks.
I went to the grocery store today.
I think I finished cleaning an entire room, the small entry bathroom, without having to stop and move on to something else.
I actually bought food at the grocery.
I do plan on cooking something.
It's 3 in the morning and I am still awake.

Baby steps.

7/26/2011

I am armed.. with peanut butter

I am out of town right now, staying in Bedford, hanging out with the work team and having a great time. I have been doing a lot at night, while in my jammies in the hotel. I planned on catching up on my reading, which I am... three books down! I also took my scrapbooking with me and have also been getting my cuts and cards done. I love the hotel I am staying at. Always clean, lots of coffee and hot water.
And
There is a lot of
Peanut Butter
I love peanut butter
They have huge containers of it. They are individual containers that have enough peanut butter for dipping. Dipping apples and celery and crackers.
YUM
I am so glad I am not allergic to peanut butter.

6/14/2011

Adventures at the DMV

As you all know I wait till the last minute to do anything for myself, then expect the world to bend over backwards to ensure that I get what I want when I want it or need it.

Well, I found out that the DMV is not part of my world.

I do not think that they want to be either.

I was making my plane reservations and such for my trip to Anaheim, California and thought to myself, since no one was listening to me, I should rent a car and go to San Diego for a night.
Suddenly a dark cold feeling washed over my body, seems that I forgot to renew my driver’s license when it was due. I remember making the time to do it, I just never got there. I check the date just to make sure it was not my imagination and maybe just maybe I renewed it.



I Loathe the DMV. PERIOD

You have to sit there with other people right next to you. They are coughing or look like they haven’t showered, and I always seem to pick the seat next to said person, or said person sits right next to me when there is an empty chair next to me. Some of them smell, or they want to talk to you forever, and after a few minutes of realizing that they do not contribute much to Jessica's world I want to go back to my book and make them go *poof*

I also remember when we first moved to Virginia and the requirements to get a license was outrageous. I had to go home 3 different times for information that I needed or I had the wrong paperwork. Yes, there is a list of info at the DMV, but for the proof of residency was a bill, and the deed to the house or something to that effect. I took some tax paperwork on the house. Wasn’t the same. I didn’t have a bill yet, since of course we just moved to the area. It was a bit confusing, yet I finally got it done and had the most amazing picture for my license.

Flash Forward a few years….

To this month. I went to the DMV in the afternoon, since it is so busy in the morning and I didn’t have meetings.

I walked in.

The mean lady at the desk gave me the information to fill out, told me I was to take the tests over since um it has been awhile since my renewal notice.

She directed me to the waiting area with a number

She did not give me a clip board, which I didn’t even know that they had until I filled out all of the information using my wallet as a desk.

I finished the paperwork and waited

AND

Waited

An hour later they call my number, do the eye exam, take picture and was told I would have to take all of the tests over again. All I cared about was if they could use my picture from the old expired license...

Including the drivers test, excuse me but what???????
Umm okay

I was so frustrated and mad, that I failed the test.

BUT

I could go back the next day and retake it for a 2 dollar fee

Umm no thanks!

So I wait a few days, and go back again

Different lady at the front door

She had teacher qualities to her

Fill this out

Bring back to me

I will give you a number

FINE

Fill out everything all over again

Turn it in, get a number

NUMBER is magically called

The gods knew that they did not want me to lose my shirt at the DMV

I went through the eye test AGAIN

The picture AGAIN, I asked if they could use my old picture, the one where I look hot and cute and was thin.. sigh

The questions AGAIN

Then I find out

OMG

I have to take the driving portion of the test

MY CAR IS A MESS

I say fine whatever

Kill me now



I pass the written test

And wait for the driving test, wondering if I remember how to make a 3 point turn.

I wonder if I need to be parked somewhere special

I think omg hand signals, omg I don’t have windshield wash in my fluids

I think omg that man is so going to fail me

I see an Asian man who is doing the driving test

He is the one that failed me a few days ago

I wonder if he remembers me

OMG he is really going to fail me now!!!


I start to panic, blood rushing to my head, heart racing.

I hear my name being called.


It’s an older lady who loves my air conditioning.

We drive around the corner

The lady is talking so much I think she is just happy to have the conversation



I passed the test, after driving around the block…

In my own neighborhood.



Sweet!!



Now what is not sweet is the picture in my driver’s license, and no you will not ever see it.



By the way, I wanted to laugh and tell them the reason my license was expired was because the picture was so much better, and I was cute, hot and young... oh that picture was great!

Says Tony the Tiger.

5/30/2011

Happy Memorial Day

Have any of you been to a service man/woman's funeral at Arlington Cemetery?
The sound of the rifles going off and then the start of Taps, has me in tears regardless of whether I was close to the person or not. Standing on the ground of Arlington Cemetery is very sacred to me. The person who is being buried, gave their life for their country, regardless of whether or not they died in the battle field or of old age. At one time they made the decision that their life was worth the freedom that America needed and strives for on a daily basis.
Have any of you been to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and paid your respects? Have you stayed and watched each step the solider in full dress uniform takes, with precision and confidence? Have you wondered how that same solider does it, in the heat of today for instance, or in the snow storms that we had 2 years ago? Do you think that he questions the decisions that he made when he decided to become part of the Old Guard? Do you wonder if you could do the same thing without a feeling of selfishness in your soul? Would you do it for the honor of knowing that you are ensuring that the Tomb is not desecrated in any way?
When a person decides that they want to join the military, many know that they want to fight for their country and make a difference in the world. Some join the military to get out of their house, see the world or to get out of some trouble that they face. They do not think of the consequences of their job.
I don't know where I am going with this post; I just know that we take so much for granted.
I want to make sure that we, as Americans know, what our freedom costs. It may not affect us directly but in some way we need to pay homage more than once a year. I wish we could say thank you to each and every family member that has lost someone every day of the year. The ultimate sacrifice and we only recognize it once a year. We all go to a barbeque with family and friends, or a parade, while taking a day off from work. During this time, a mother, father, son, daughter or another family member holds a picture of their loved one who died for our country tears running down their cheeks, wishing that they could have one more phone call or one more meal with their loved one. Instead, they look out the window, remembering their child, learning how to ride a bike, or coming home from their first date, while the next door neighbor is cooking hotdogs and drinking a beer, toasting the holiday so that they could have a three day weekend.
It is almost 3pm EST. Please take a moment and silently think of what they gave up. Think of how our lives would be if we did not have people who would sacrifice their own lives so we could have a bbq.

Just because you fly an American flag outside your house doesn't mean a damn thing unless you know the sacrifices people have given for each stripe and star on that flag. Memorial Day recognizes all who died:
Revolutionary War: 25,000. War of 1812: ~20,000. Mexican-American War: 13,283. Civil War: ~625,000. Spanish-American War: 2,446. WWI: 116,516. WWII: 405,399. Korea: 53,686. Vietnam: 58,209. Gulf War: 258. Afghanistan: 1,413. Iraq: 4,430. And those are just the "major" wars. (items in parenthesis has been borrowed from Momtothescreamingmasses.com)

5/11/2011

what I did last night

Bee happy

Bee happy


5/09/2011

Manic Mondays

I was already thinking of everything that I needed to do today, last night! That made for a long restless night. I have been so busy at work and by the time I get home I am ready to collapse in a heap on the floor with the dog licking me like a dead carcass.

You think I am joking?

I am also in my last week of school so things are pretty hectic. I have a great post I have been working on, but it is not ready for public...

or I am not ready for the public to read it!

In the meantime I will leave you with this...
Be thankful for the weather today...

5/02/2011

My Best Friends Mom

I enjoyed your friendship
I laughed at your jokes
I humored your honestly
Even if I did not agree with you

I saw how strong you could be
I saw you move heaven and earth
I thought of your daughter in the same light
I thought of your daughter, who is my best friend
and smiled, since she can be just like you at times

I was there when the phone rang, and I was there when she cried
I wanted to make the pain go away, but again I knew you had no pain
It was a fair trade off, one she will take again and again
She knew you were tired and wanted to sleep
She wanted to help you and give her strength
I’m sorry it was not enough, but I am glad you are at peace
I will be her strength and ensure she rocks!
I will be there I promise

I held your daughter strong and gave her my strength
It was all I could give and I wanted her to have it
I don’t think she was ready for this mom
but, you raised a good daughter, and she will be okay

Your daughter was always my rock
Through thick and thin she was there for me
I never thought I would be able to repay all of the things that she did for me
I never thought the day would be today

I saw her at her weakest, and wondered if things will ever be better
I wanted to lie and say everything will be okay
I wanted to see her smile, and laugh like the old times
I wish I could take her pain and sorrow
And have it fly like a bird away from her

She will be okay,
You raised a great daughter
You were an amazing woman, with so many facets it was hard to keep track
Your daughter will keep your memory alive
You raised my best friend and I thank you for that

You will be missed by so many people
You will be cherished by your family
They have you watching over them
Please make sure my best friend will be okay

4/17/2011

A Ten Year Tale

Last week my husband and I celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary. The day did not start off as well as I had hoped, with all of the household drama occurring, it was hard to concentrate on our special day. I got home from work, and hubby told me to get dressed and we were off in about 10 minutes. We drove into D.C., and I started wondering if he was taking me to a hotdog vendor. While we were driving around the streets making sure we did not turn on the wrong way street, we were in front of the Willard hotel and some dude started pounding on my car window. I freaked out! We were going to be shot in broad daylight! I rolled down my window when I noticed that the eye candy young man in a suit was talking. He told us that there was a motor pool coming and we just had to move right then and there to get out of his way. Well, we did move, and when the motorcade came, I didn’t recognize anyone who came out of the car.


Seriously?

What are our taxes paying for??

We parked and went to the meter to get a parking stub. The machine was broken, the fellow in front of us was trying to get it to work and I think he was slightly worried since he already swiped his credit card. We waited a few minutes, but were antsy since we had a reservation so we took the chance on not having a proof of payment for parking and went on our way.

He opened the door for me and the restaurant was buzzing with people. He let the hostess know we were there for dinner; we waited a few minutes and then were taking to our table. He said that online it said that there was a dress code, but obviously people cannot read since there were people in jeans.. and a lady sat right next to me and she was wearing heavy sweats. WTF?

We ordered a drink and an appetizer. The drinks took a few minutes, I figured that since my glass of wine was ten bucks, they might have travelled to Italy or California to pick it up!

The appetizer came, we dug in.. I was trying not to spill anything and I saw the hubby shudder after taking a bite of food. I looked at him scared that the app was spoiled.

He shuddered cuz it was fishy tasting…

Ummmmm

It was crab dip

Hello???

Anyways, a gentleman came up to us, and he looked familiar… he was the fellow from the parking meter, and he let us know that it was fixed. We thanked him and looked at each other.

Who wants to go put money in it now?

Not me.

I tried not to make eye contact with the hubby, hoping he would he the gallant one and turn into the old spice man and run to put money in the machine.

No chance

He decided we would take that chance…

Okay then.

Dinner came, wasn’t impressed

Ate

Laughed

Tried not to talk too loud so the person on each side of us could not hear us, yet we were quiet enough so we could try and hear what the person next to us was saying.

We enjoyed dinner, paid the bill

And

Left

We were walking towards the car, and hoping to not see a ticket, we saw a ticket.

Pouts

We walked closer and closer hoping that the image would disappear from our minds and that the ticket never appeared.

We looked at the ticket…

Hubby pulled it from the window.



It was not a ticket

It was a parking stub.



The young gentleman paid two dollars for us to park there.

We felt bad

Yet happy

We wanted to pay him back. We did not know that he paid it when he told us that the machine was working.



Love random acts of kindness.

3/25/2011

Motherhood is happyness??

I read this post over at AlphaMom. Chris then challenged all that read to go and blog about what is making them happy right now about motherhood.

This is hard.

If she knew what was going on in this household, she would say maybe tomorrow. But as I read her story and I agreed on many points one being, "I am not my child's friend. I am their parent"
I feel the same way.
You can laugh and have a great time with your kids, but there comes a line that they know that separates the parent from their friends and they respect this line.

Anyways, so on to my happiness feeling.

My son moved out last week because he did not feel that he had to follow my rules.  Since he was 18 and a senior in high school he felt that he did not have to listen and suffer the consequences for breaking the rules, like keeping the grades up, and being home by curfew.

I was very sad and I thought my world was coming to an end.  I cried for days, wanting my child back.  Finally I woke up and realized that my child has grown up into a man.  I also realized that his moving out could be a good thing.  He can pay his bills, fend for himself and learn more responsibility than I could ever teach him.

I smiled, not because he might come running home defeated and broken, unable to make it on his own.
I smiled because I realized that I have done a damn good job raising my son.
He feels so strongly that he can make it out there, and he knows that it will not be easy. 
I know that I raised a man who will do what he needs to do to get to work, and get to school, if anything to prove his mom and dad wrong.
I am starting to feel happiness for what I have done for the past 18 years.  My son might not realize how hard I have worked to ensure he had what he needed. 
I am happy that I can let him go and try this feat of independence.  I am also happy to know that no matter what I will catch him if he falls, or I will celebrate his victories that he has in store for himself.

I taught someone, my son, to not fear the uncertain, but to face it with all of his might.

I reminisce of the past, of all the boo boos I kissed, all of the shoes I have picked up.  I remember every Friday after I picked him up from after school care, we went for REAL rolled taco's and shared them.  I rejoice in knowing that when he came home from school, he didn't mind sitting down to talk to his mom and have really deep and sometimes disturbing stories about what he is faced with at school.

I love the fact that he trusts me, and that he challenges me every day with something.  He can make me laugh one minute and yell at him the next.  I am happy that I taught him not to hold a grudge against people, and how to open the door for his girlfriend.
I am happy to start a new road with my son, who has turned into a man.  Hopefully one of us has a emergency kit!
Baby steps.
And yes I am smiling.

this is a twitter test

Calvin the Cat



This is Calvin. He is my cat. He thinks he is a dog. My Daisy Dog, taught Calvin how to growl. When someone knocks at the door, Calvin will run to the door. He is no frady cat.

He sleeps on my pillow every night. He is very affectionate and will only eat one type of cat food. Friskies, Seafood Sensations. He says it is better than Red Lobster...

I love him more than a mouse loves cheese. Why is it animals will love you forever and never leave?

Test

Sent from my iPhone

3/18/2011

Sloppy joe turnovers

Super easy and yummmie!

1 pound ground beef or turkey
1/4 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup ketchup
1/4 cup sour cream
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp garlic powder
the flaky refrigerator biscuits
butter, melted 2 tbs

cook the ground beef/turkey, with onion. Brown and drain, return to pan. Stir in ketchup, sour cream salt and garlic power.

preheat over to 375
roll out the biscuits into a 4 inch square. arrange the biscuit on a baking sheet (ungreased). Spoon 1/4 cup of mixture in the center of each square. Fold over the corner of each square to form a triangle. Seal the edges with a fork and cut three 1/2 inch slits on the top of each turnover
Bake until golden brown 15-20 minutes and bruch with melted butter.

New recipe

I'm trying to tone down the servings that I make in this house. It seems that everyone is on a diet. I try, seriously I try. There is one problem, I love to cook and bake and of course I love to eat. I have been trying a few new foods in the house.

Have you noticed the price of tomato's? And they are horrible. The worst tomato's so far have been from Bloom. Very sad.

Okay where was I?

I have this box filled with old recipes. Don't you love finding those types of things at yard sales, or garage sales? I love it. Of course this box came from a yard sale, not past down from generation and if you knew where I grew up you would totally understand.

Oh lordy, I forgot to tell you, most overpowering marinade out there, Lawry's lemon pepper marinade. OMG the chicken was delicious but the smell was in my house till the next day, and after a while the smell annoyed my more than a paint smell. No more of that.

I have to tell you a story before I forget. I went to the store, and bought a pork loin. Usually I crock pot it, but this time I wanted to cook it in the oven and since it was cold out, the oven would warm up the house at the same time. So anyways, I marinate it and put it in the fridge with instructions for my son to take it out of the fridge, let it sit for an hour then throw it in the oven at such and such degrees. I called to remind him then I called again to remind him to change the temp and let it cook for another hour. It called for like a 3 hour cooking time.

I was rushing home since the spouse had a meeting and we met outside the house. He was laughing his ass off. Telling me he was thankful that he had to go to the moose and have dinner. I didn't understand what he was talking about until I saw the poor thing. The.. my pork loin looked like a burnt arm... BURNT was not the word. So I ask Bryant did it smell burnt, did you smell something like that you remind you that the house was burning down? Did Daisy alert you that there was something wrong in the house?? There was no smoke and I didn't smell anything when I came in the house so I am sure he did not smell anything either and as for the dogs senses... well, they don't go far.

I cut into the loin, hope a major artery did not explode. It was cooked that’s for sure, many of you know I won’t eat pork unless it is cooked all the way. Okay, so the loin wasn't as tender but it was chewable if you liked beef jerky. Daisy was waiting for handouts, and eager to please me with her idea of scarfing the entire thing...

Have you ever noticed that a dog will scarf a piece of meat, yet crunch a potato chip till it dissolves in their mouth?

Well, needless to say we had salad with grilled cheese...

Oh speaking of grilled cheese

rye bread
Velveeta
butter

you know what to do with it. Let me know if it tastes good, or even better put some bacon in there and enjoy for me.

Cricut Inventory

1. Just Because Cards
2. Destinations
3. Pooh font
4. Mickey and Friends
5. Speaking of Fall
6. Walk in my Garden
7. Songbird
8. Forever Young
9. Thanksgiving
10. Sweet Treats
11. 50 States
12. Winter Wonderland
13. Calligraphy Collection
14. Plantin Schoolbook
15. April Showers
16.Give a Hoot
17. From my Kitchen
18. Tie the Knot
19. Stamping
20. George and Basic Shapes
21. Speaking of Winter
22. Animal Kingdom
23. Sentimentals
24. Home Accents
25. Inde Art

Blunt and honest

I haven’t been me for the past few days. I have been shocked, rocked and everything in between. I have always loved being a mother and also have believed in a deeper being. Now is when I need that perspective to keep going, and alive.

My son has his own agenda. He is 18 and a senior and seems to think that he knows all of the answers, his life has been horrible and nothing can make him come back to the house.
My son moved out, and left nothing but chaos in his path

I was hurt beyond words and haven’t slept much lately. I lay there thinking of what he says, wondering if he is right. I lay there thinking about my childhood and how horrible it was, how scary it was, how I was running away when I was ten years old because I was so scared. I learned from my experiences and wanted to ensure when I had children, I was not the same mother.

I turned out to be a pretty good mother. Yes, I had made mistakes along the way, but as we both grew I learned so much about myself. I was stronger than I thought I was
He had everything he needed, and never went to bed hungry or with lashes on his back. He never went to bed wondering if his mother was going to beat the crap out of him tomorrow for leaving a dish in the sink or for some other trivia reason.

I used my strength to raise him as best I could. Obviously it wasn’t enough but
Right now, I need that strength.

I need strength to not take to heart what my son yells at me, how we destroyed his life and made it hell for the past ten years. Those of you who know me, know I take things personally and I wear my feelings on my sleeve when it comes to my family.

I need the strength to tell my husband that it is not his fault, I need to find the strength to stand by his side and support him.

I need the strength to not beg my son to come home and I will make it all better.

It’s not a boo boo, where I can kiss it and his tears stop flowing and a smile appears.
It’s not a heartbreak where I can listen to him, offer my advice and bake him a cake.

It is so much worse.

Everyone tells me that all teenagers go through this. I thought my teenager was different. We all think our children are different.

I just wonder when he will realize that life is not easy, and that he must ask forgiveness for his mistakes, as we all do.
I hope by then it won’t be too late to mend broken fences that have been whirled into the wind and broken into a million pieces.
I hope by then that my husband will let him back in.
Even more, though moms are supposed to say I love you forever and like you for always, is that so easy to do?

If this is the person that he is becoming, what have I done wrong?
And again I lay in bed wondering where exactly I screwed up. Many of you say nowhere, all kids go through this…
Just last week my son was saying how great everything was and how happy he was.

Today he has told me he has been unhappy for ten years. I think more of it is he has had to follow directions, rules and face responsibilities for the past ten years. He says that he got blamed for everything. He did. But he deserved to be blamed and many times we should have been stronger on him.

Maybe that’s what I didn’t do. I wasn’t strong enough for him. I wish I could start over.

It will all be better in the morning.

I’m in a good place just reflecting…
I think

2/10/2011

My Crazy Weekend

What happens at Crops Plus stays at Crops Plus.

The best scrap booking weekend I have ever had.  I scrapped, laughed, blew diet coke out of my nose, met new friends, criticized (yes me) and had a freaking time of my life. 

If you scrapbook I highly recommend this group for your scrapbooking get away. 
The size of the tables were HUGE
Lots of electrical outlets, and if you brought what they told you to bring, you were set for life. 
The music was the perfect level, not to interfer if you were talking or listening to your own music with headphones of course. 
The giveaways were great! HUGE!  Astronomical!!! Well worth the effort.
They had games, and stuff, but did not interfer on your scrapbooking. 
They had the best classes with great instructors.  Stamp classes, photography classes, and album classes. The classes were worth the amount spent.

The food provided by the hotel was good.  I am usually a complainer when it comes to food.  I WASN"T even hungry and I would go eat, just to see how it tasted.  POTATO SALAD and that awesome beef for the taco's was great.  Everyone had stuff to share too.  Chocolate and diet dr pepper, coffee drinks etc.

The hotel location was kind of out of the way, but it was worth it. 

This crop I have talked about for with bad review because of the problems I had when I had my surgery, and could not attend. 

I am so glad that I went back and tried out the new owners. 

The site is http://www.ourcropsplus.com/

I am going back ... in April...

May the force be wtih me!

2/09/2011

Washing Machine Blues

So, I am sitting here...
Waiting.

I have a 2 hour window where the repair man will show up, sprinkle fairy dust on my washer and the it will no longer sound like the space shuttle taking off. 

1 hour has already passed.

We went out and bought the washer a few days ago after going to several different stores shopping for the best deal.  Five stores later we scored.   The washing machine did not have all of those fancy whistles.  We just want to have the option to throw clothes in, pick the temp of the water, load size, and length of wash.  I do not want to be able to adjust the half way cycle of the spins temperature in accentuate the flow of the water leaving the bin. 

Not my cup of tea.

The deal also included free delivery and pick up of old machine. 
We scored.

3 days later I am sitting waiting for the repair people to show up and fix the machine. 

They came
They saw
and
They kicked ass

Wanna know what the problem was???

The shipping rod was never removed from the previous installers.  The machine was also not leveled to perfection. 

*blink*

1/21/2011

What Would You Do?

20/20 has this show, called "What Would You Do?". They have several scenario's about tense situations with actors initiating a tense conversation. This week they had a boy wanting to buy a Barbie doll, a boy wearing a dress in a toy store, a large person ordering unhealthy foods while the waiter tells her what she needs to order, and lastly a woman at the grocery store whose food stamp card ran out of money and if there was any compassion in the line of people behind her. Each of the women was of a different ethnic background and one of them did not speak English. There was also another actor who tried to talk the person who went to pay, out of doing it, stating that they are not helping the person, so on and so forth.




This scenario made me cry when a young lady who was on the phone, took it upon herself to go forward and pay for the non-English speaking woman, whose benefits ran out and could not buy the food.



This really hit home.

There were many times as a young mother where I was scrapping together change to buy food, diapers, formula and other stuff. There were many times I was grimacing at the checkout line when the items were being rung up where I didn't think that I would have enough money. I remember this one store I would shop at and when it happened once, they let me take the groceries home and come back with the money. It was tough, I remember going to the pawn shop with an item when there was still a week until payday and I was broke and something would always come up. I remember going without so much, yet I was so happy. I suppose it was because of the family that I had for support. My son, he was the light of my life and I would do anything for him. I made sure that he never went without something like I had as a child. I remember many nights being sent to bed without dinner. Going to school with the same clothes, not having what everyone else had. I know it makes you a better person blah blah. I made sure my son had all that I did not, but he still had to work for it. Thank gosh he was never a label guy, except shoes, he loved his Nike shoes.



Anyways, we were at the store once, and I had the actual food stamps, the card hadn't come out yet. Between walking from home to the store, I lost the food stamps. I didn’t realize it till everything was on the belt, being rung up. I didn't know what to do since I didn't have the money anywhere. It wasn't that much, forty-five dollars worth, but to me who did not have the forty- five dollars to replace it, it was gold. I went through my purse one last time, the tears already falling telling my son to hush who was asking me why was I crying. I then told the cashier that I did not have the money and I would put everything back. I did tell them I lost the money, but without having the money to replace it I could not take it home and not come back without the money. A man behind me, came over and paid for my groceries. He was a younger gentleman, who could have made fun of me, told me what a bad mother I was or laughed in my face. He didn't do any of that. He just paid for my groceries, bagged them in the bags I brought along, and told me, his mother would not forgive him if he didn't help. He said his mother would do anything for him also.



What would you have done??



In the position I am in now, that God and my hard work has helped me achieve, I never forget where I was and I know how easy it is to go back there. I always try to help out when I can, knowing that it could, it was and it can be me in that position.

1/18/2011

We are woman!

This weekend I was able to be a part of something so special, I was left speachless for awhile. Granted I could not be speachless for too long, since I needed to speak.



It was amazing.



When you leave your home chapter and you go to visit other women and learn about their chapters and how they do things, what obstacles that they also encounter, makes the world seem not so large. I met many women that I have never met before and created a few friendships that I hope withstand the distance. There were women of many ages, with so many memories and stories to tell to those who wanted to take a few minutes and listen. I was able to take one night, and relax after I memorized my speech and go to the lobby. While I was only there to grab a diet pepsi from the cocierge, I noticed a few older ladies sitting near the fireplace chatting away. I decided to sit next to them and introduce myself. They were amazing ladies who I am sure had just as much fun in the chapter as I do now. They had a few stories that took place in the 60’s and 70’s, in which all I could do was sit back and listen.



It reminds me of how fast and busy everyone is today, to where we do not take time to listen to history from our elders and friends. This type of history is not taught in history class yet it is just as important to learn how women lived in those days, and how they overcame many obstacles we take for granted today. Predjudice that did not just focus on color but also on gender. So many things that we, as women were not allowed to do. We laugh now when we read stories about how we are to take care of our man when he comes home from work instead of throwing a mirocwaved pizza in his face, they were cooking turkeys and hams.. during the week… no crock pot either…





We have come a long way baby!

We need to listen to how far we have come and keep the stories going.

1/15/2011

Chicken tenderloins with Lawry's Lemon Pepper

This was a great meal...

I pounded the chicken tenderloins and then placed them in a ziploc bag with the Lawry's Lemon Pepper marinade.  The next day, I took them out and cooked them on top of the stove, no butter or oil.  I added more of the marinade while they were cooking.  I also made some rice in the handy dandy rice cooker. 

Very juicy and flavorful.  I put the rice the the chicken on top with a little of the marinade from the pan on top of everything. 

Next time I will grill the chicken.  The smell of the lemon pepper perminated the entire house all night long.  I woke up at 2 in the morning, smelling the lemon. 

Hello out there

Yes, I am still alive.

No you cannot have my lifetime supply of cheesecake and diet coke.  I had to diet in preparation of Big Man's graduation, so I gave up the Vodka and kept the cheesecake.

I have been thinking on how to improve my blog, adding topics of the week to it, or giving away chocolate.

Since I would eat the chocolate before I would mail it, I decided on the topics of the week.  This would give me some incentive to actually provide some depth to this blog, so maybe smarter people would read and know where.. THE FOLLOW BUTTON IS... hello people if you are not following please do so. 

You might miss something...
Like me!

I was thinking, and not necessarily in this order: movie review, cooking review... picture day... snarky day and then a free for all...

I have been watching some movies through Netflix, ones that I would not have watched without a recommendation from a friend. I found the movies a tad bit out there, or appealing and I would like to share those thoughts.  Plus I need to think more while watching movies to provide an analytical approach to the main topic and also I like to delve into the symbolism of a movie.

I love cooking, plain and simple.  I have been going through many cookbooks, and have the hips to show for it.  So now, I am going to start making good for you food, with the exception of certain days of the year where I can splurge and eat the Pioneer Womans Mashed potato's.  I cannot wait. 

I need to start taking more pictures, becuase the 1500 I just had developed from WalMart for an upcoming crop just was not enough!  Actually I want to start taking 'good' pictures. 

Snarky day, well we all know that we have them.  I would like for us to share our snarks once a week. 

Ok enough of the productivity lines.. I'm tired.

1/06/2011

That's all

Why is it when I want to blog I have a cat up on my face????

I just want to say how wonderful this year has been with the exception of pending oral surgery and a gum graph.....

I have a feeling my diet is going to go real well soon!!!!

1/04/2011

I'm not going to lie

Only two days going to the gym, I'm not going to lie, I am sore as hell.

I'm not going to lie, it is killing me to then come home, clean, cook, wash, and get ready for the next day.  Today it wasn't so bad, got off regular time home in an hour, immediately to the gym there were two treadmills open so we hopped on those.  I did a mile and a half in 20 minutes.  Yea slow I know but I am off my butt and exercising.  The gym wasn't as crowded as it has been during the new year.  I am also glad that I am not the biggest one there.  When I would go during the summer I would be the biggest one there and that was very discouraging so I would just walk around the block and call it a day.

I am doing the three day walk this year and will be in shape.  I have a lot of goals to meet this year and I plan on making each and every one of them. 

I am getting all of my pictures from online and sending them to be printed.  The process of moving hundreds of photos is a mess.  I am moving the New Orleans pictures, going to finish the cruise pictures, doing a small book of Calvin and then maybe some pictures of when Bryant was  younger.  An old friend an relative sent me many pictures of Bryant when she saw him over the summers and I plan on putting those in the scrap book also.

I realize how many pictures that I do not take.  I was so busy over the holidays I didn't get a single picture of the family.  I need to change that.

I need to have something to take pictures of... hello out there.

I have to give up my love of The Pioneer Woman for a few months.  It will be worth it, and I am thinking maybe a perfect goal treat would be a small serving of her mashed potatoes... or the stuffed mushrooms?? Maybe half of a cinnamon roll??

I'm not going to lie... I am going to miss the country gal as my best friend puts it.

1/01/2011

1-1-11

I have started this post three times, I want to post today so that I have something for 1-1-11.  I am a true geek.

I am still in my jammies.

Just in case you are wondering.

I did take a shower and go out today, but came home and put clean freah smelling good jammies on...

Dont be jealous.
You can do it too.

I did ALL of the running around I needed to do yesterday so the entire weekend I can veg out in front of the television playing online games until my eyes bug out. 

Isn't that everyone's goal this weekend?

New Years was very quiet and nice.  Major drawback was celebrating the new year with a hot flash.  So while everyone was dancing and drinking the night away, I was trying to figure out how to get the sweat out of my bra and how to redo my makeup.  I wanted to go sit in the walk in for awhile, but was afraid they would forget about me and lock me in the moose LOL.